Thoughts and Words...

A dream .... I won't want to come true

2009-07-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil,

Goooood Morning on Blogspot !
After a pretty, (well if we use this to indicate 'quite a some' then : ) after a PRETTY long time I am here again. So many things to share, to express .... got married to the Love of my Life (oye to Anamika, not C/Java) 5 months back and enjoying the perils of a recession/post-recession time (read no appraisals), movies, scrabble, chess, Ambani wars ..... more of that later perhaps.

Well, dreams, by their very nature, appear so perfectly obvious when we see them, but on remembering we notice the fallacies, at times ridiculous enough to vanish a dozen bogarts(ref. Potter3). So this is one dream I had today morning which persuaded me to share. I don't remember all the details as they are fading a bit too quickly, so kindly bear. Here it goes,

Myself and a couple of friends go to a jungle adventure, a secluded place with giant clean-shaved trees with very-very long entangled branches. There we encounter some big hairy wolves and to save ourselves, we climb the trees. The wolves follow, howling and scaring every bit of us. Suddenly, it happens so, that the branch which I'm holding to, starts to fall down (unbroken), and then with an elastic motion, it goes up and I hear voices saying don't leave the branch, hold it tight... the branch goes higher and higher and it makes me feel as if I've surpassed earth's atmosphere (as in cartoon movies) and then I stay at the top, and finally I return back. To me, this is all I can remember. However, when I return back, I find myself in a completely different place.

I am at my home, and either by twins paradox or due to some mysterious ailment(which put me into a special coma), ten years have passed and I'm of the same age yet. My parents and my wife greet me, are extremely happy to see me. Anamika has aged (well w.r.t. 10 yrs) gracefully and is very much excited. Nobody is telling what exactly happened 10 yrs back, but to them it's as if they'd come to terms with this fact, and accepted life. Anamika says "Come let's go to some nearby restaurant to celebrate, after all it was me who suggested you to go to that place". Quite curious to see India of ten years later, we go out and I find that the place has become very clean. The roads are big, not new though, but well maintained. We are walking down the street - which is remarkably less crowded, and suddenly some jeeps- with people shouting slogans in urdu/arabic, enter. Anamika tells me to rush for hiding somewhere. While we are at it, I come to know that all the means of communication and transportation have been forbidden for general use. A loud voice is heard from public speakers - "In these times when your country needs you, we don't want anyone to go to America or U.K." It has, almost Zardari's accent (not too sure). Meanwhile, the hooligans, dressed in long black robes (reminding of Taliban), catch and beat us, taking to a small unoccupied building. Anamika goes slightly unconscious, lying on the floor. I am badly bruised, sitting in pain and the goons are leaving. One of them is quite tired too and sits near me to relax. I, quite unaware of who or what they are, feel an immediate surge to strangle him. I try, but he is ready and quickly grabs me. I indicate that I am ready to move out, silently, not disturbing Anamika. We come out and he's joined by the rest of his gang. They beat me again, ask me to join Islam, I agree. They are laughing, one of them says "See, how easily a Hindu changes his stance, bloody kafir" and then they leave. I come back to the building, Anamika is awake now. She tells me that internet has been banned some time back too. I observe how much she has changed. From a prompt, proactive girl who used to question every unfair thing, she's become much more quiet, much more accepting - has probably agreed to this changed life, changed world. I know now why the roads were empty. Soon they'll be inaccessible too. We both stay there, water is dripping from the walls ... I am feeling exhausted, thirsty .... the reality is taking some time to sink in. And suddenly I hear a voice and I wake up.

I am at my home, at my bed. Can't tell you how much glad I felt. You have to actually live in that world in order to tell the difference. I almost shuddered at its possibility. Reminds me of Kite runner ... of the fact that this dream is true of some people ... and I feel like humming ...

तेरी यह ज़मीन ... , तेरा आसमान ..., तू बड़ा मेहरबान तू बक्शीश कर ...
सभी का है तू... , सभी तेरे ...., खुदा मेरे तू बक्शीश कर ...

Kapil

P.S. The dream is quoted exactly as remembered without any censoring or spicing up.

O' My dear friend

2007-10-17T21:37:00.001-07:00

O' My dear friend! hold my hand,
Come let's play in the sea shore sand.
Making small castles that we dream together,
Which stand all adversities, all seasons, every weather.
Even if waves come, and wash it all away,
We'll make it up again, sans regret, without dismay.
As long as you're there, with your palm in mine,
We can face every crisis, every misfortune divine.

But O' my close friend! from love you stay away,
For this is one labyrinth, in which no one found a way.
You'll think of one name, morning noon and night,
Forgetting the world around, but to get a rare sight,
It wouldn't interest you then, to come and play anymore,
In a new world you'll move, it'll never like be before.
Smiling in your happiness, I'll hide my tears and pain,
But the deserted sands would know, you'll never come again.

And O' my dear friend! never say you're in love with me,
The day you utter these words, life'd change its meaning fully.
You'll start measuring us, from a completely different view,
Expecting from me, things, which hitherto we never knew.
We'll talk of this and that, and forget to share our joys,
Nor would we sense others' grief, from a mere change of voice.
The sands will dry up too, castles broken and gone,
Life would seem so strange, we'd be together, yet alone.

O' my lovely friend! Would you be my friend forever ?
We'll fight and play and laugh, but get apart never.
Making small castles, I'll read the dreams in your eyes,
And treasure them like you do, in life's lows and highs.
Whenever waves come, to wash them all away,
As one, we'd step forward, and firmly stand in their way.
In times of thunder and dark, I'll listen that careful whisper,
Showing you the radiance around, I'll make the differences blur.
I'll hide your eyes in my palm, whenever you're low and blue,
And present you all the pearls, which bring a smile to you.
My friend ! If you're there forever, with your hand in mine,
I'd love to live this life with you, so beautiful, a blessing divine!

Kapil

Tic Tac Toe ...

2007-09-27T02:09:00.000-07:00

Hi Kaps !

Hmmm long time no see .... well I guess this is becoming the most frequently used welcome line for my posts lately .... but seriously I was moooooooooooooooore than stimulated by this wonderfully effervescent link - OuchMyToe and immediately felt like sharing my thoughts too ....... hope I'd get back into flow soon ....

So ........ so much is happening around the world... my favorite II3 contestant lost to the Diktats of Democracy ... perhaps the worst possible way of acknowledging art ! ... and I was wondering what exactly would happen if this were to continue .... tomorrow they'll say that since Darjeeling never had a representation in a cricket team or hockey team, let's vote and put their youth in the national sports ... or since the NorthEastern minorities have never been in the main-frame, let's generously provide them exclusive access to all the best schools in country ! ..... Ah ofcourse ! ... this actually has been going on .... since long .... the Indian Idol is only a minor representation of the present Indian Ideals .... where 'the need' overrides 'proficiency', 'the number' overrides 'talent' and 'the mass' overrides 'the person' .... ....... hmmm can go on n on n on .....

So much is happening in the world around .... PDS lost public view of all creations by Moon, the founding member, moderator, the most active user and undeniably the best artist on the blog .... for all the not-so-pleasant reasons .... but still, ... being terribly optimistic ... it's for better I hope ... All the best Nanhi ! .... I'd be the first one to purchase ! ... (whenever, wherever) ..... and it won't be much difficult to gain fame ... after all, people have already started googling for you as a poet :D ....

Personally, the last few monce have been pretty diverse ... more full of breadth than depth of life ... while reading/mails/chat/orkut have suffered an all time low ... I have actually found myself addicted to phone and movies and driving and programmin (ahem, alrite the last one is nothin new) .... Introduction to linkedIn - the unofficial site of many official purposes .... finishing classics like Deewar and Pyaasa (57) .... and lotsa chit chat .... in fact, just few hours before .............

Get a short missed call from an anonymous number, I casually call back - the voice replies -

Yes ? ...

Hello, you called me just now ? ..

No ! ...

So how come would I know your number ? ....

How do I know that !....

Ok fine... No probs !

<disconnect> ..... Again a missed call ... and again .. I pick up this time <disconnect> ... amused, I call back again... and she says laughing - ok I am a friend of your friend and she din't have balance in cell ... hmm fine ... and as I call, I get the first sound -

'How can you call back just Anyone who gives you a missed call ???' ...

So ... I just felt like < wondering how does it matter?? >...

'arre but how can you Just call back without Knowing !! ' .....

'But it could have been any of my friends who just got a new number!' ..... < ...analyzing the nature and extent of crime :D >

'hmmm... < after some gap > .... college ja ke bigad gaya hai !!!' .....

????? .... < dumbstruck > ... <shrug! ... the perils of being over responsive :D :D >

Anyways, I know some mails and scraps are pending ... hope I can convey my humble wish to be offline for coming few monce ....

Take care dear !

Keep writin,

Kaps

An adieu...

2007-07-27T01:11:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a frog
Croaked away in Bingle Bog
Every night from dusk to dawn
He croaked awn and awn and awn
Other creatures loathed his voice,
But, alas, they had no choice,
And the crass cacophony
Blared out from the sumac tree
At whose foot the frog each night
Minstrelled on till morning light

Neither stones nor prayers nor sticks.
Insults or complaints or bricks
Stilled the frogs determination
To display his heart's elation.
But one night a nightingale
In the moonlight cold and pale
Perched upon the sumac tree
Casting forth her melody
Dumbstruck sat the gaping frog
And the whole admiring bog
Stared towards the sumac, rapt,
And, when she had ended, clapped.

Ducks had swum and herons waded
To her as she serenaded
And a solitary loon
Wept, beneath the summer moon.
Toads and teals and tiddlers, captured
By her voice, cheered on, enraptured:
“Bravo!” “Too divine!” “Encore!”
So the nightingale once more,
Quite unused to such applause,
Sang till dawn without a pause.

Next night when the Nightingale
Shook her head and twitched her tail,
Closed an eye and fluffed a wing
And had cleared her throat to sing
She was startled by a croak.
“Sorry – was that you who spoke?”
She enquired when the frog
Hopped towards her from the bog.
“Yes,” the frog replied. “You see,
I'm the frog who owns this tree
In this bog I've long been known
For my splendid baritone
And, of course, I wield my pen
For Bog Trumpet now and then”

“Did you… did you like my song?”
“Not too bad – but far too long.
The technique was fine of course,
But it lacked a certain force”.
“Oh!” the nightingale confessed.
Greatly flattered and impressed
That a critic of such note
Had discussed her art and throat:
“I don't think the song's divine.
But – oh, well – at least it's mine”.

“That's not much to boast about”.
Said the heartless frog. “Without
Proper training such as I-
And few others can supply.
You'll remain a mere beginner.
But with me you'll be a winner”
“Dearest frog”, the nightingale
Breathed: “This is a fairy tale –
And you are Mozart in disguise
Come to earth before my eyes”.

“Well I charge a modest fee.”
“Oh!” “But it won't hurt, you'll see”
Now the nightingale inspired,
Flushed with confidence, and fired
With both art and adoration,
Sang – and was a huge sensation.
Animals for miles around
Flocked towards the magic sound,
And the frog with great precision
Counted heads and charged admission.

Though next morning it was raining,
He began her vocal training.
“But I can't sing in this weather”
“Come my dear – we'll sing together.
Just put on your scarf and sash,
Koo-oh-ah! ko-ash! ko-ash!”
So the frog and nightingale
Journeyed up and down the scale
For six hours, till she was shivering
and her voice was hoarse and quivering.

Though subdued and sleep deprived,
In the night her throat revived,
And the sumac tree was bowed,
With a breathless, titled crowd:
Owl of Sandwich, Duck of Kent,
Mallard and Milady Trent,
Martin Cardinal Mephisto,
And the Coot of Monte Cristo,
Ladies with tiaras glittering
In the interval sat twittering –
And the frog observed them glitter
With a joy both sweet and bitter.

Every day the frog who'd sold her
Songs for silver tried to scold her:
“You must practice even longer
Till your voice, like mine grows stronger.
In the second song last night
You got nervous in mid-flight.
And, my dear, lay on more trills:
Audiences enjoy such frills.
You must make your public happier:
Give them something sharper snappier.
We must aim for better billings.
You still owe me sixty shillings.”

Day by day the nightingale
Grew more sorrowful and pale.
Night on night her tired song
Zipped and trilled and bounced along,
Till the birds and beasts grew tired
At a voice so uninspired
And the ticket office gross
Crashed, and she grew more morose -
For her ears were now addicted
To applause quite unrestricted,
And to sing into the night
All alone gave no delight.

Now the frog puffed up with rage.
“Brainless bird – you're on the stage –
Use your wits and follow fashion.
Puff your lungs out with your passion.”
Trembling, terrified to fail,
Blind with tears, the nightingale
Heard him out in silence, tried,
Puffed up, burst a vein, and died.

Said the frog: “I tried to teach her,
But she was a stupid creature –
Far too nervous, far too tense.
Far too prone to influence.
Well, poor bird – she should have known
That your song must be your own.
That's why I sing with panache:
“Koo-oh-ah! ko-ash! ko-ash!”
And the foghorn of the frog
Blared unrivalled through the bog

- Frog and the Nightingale (Vikram Seth)

A wonderful poem, perhaps the first written art which made me cry. Its memory is almost as long ... and as beautiful .... as Yours ...

An adieu...

There aren't any tears as we part,
Neither does it pain somewhere in the heart.
Your eyes speak of anger and hurt,
I'm glad to know, ... I've too learned this art !

Of days when I looked in anticipation,
Waiting,unfailing for your smallest indication.
The words so tender you never bothered to hear,
Preferring distance, in times we were near,
Switching at whim, from intimacy to inscience
Reminding consistently, this vice I must bear.
The face which no more shined me with glee,
Often a voice critic and culpatory.
All I heard was an uneven mandate,
All I felt was miserable melancholy

I chose to be free, in one of those moments,
Moving beyond you, and whatever you meant.
Sans regrets, for I know I was true ...
What was false, perhaps ... was every second spent.

You talk to me seldom, I've changed... you say,
Past the timidity, reply back now I may.
You're no one to me, if you only condemn and pain,
No more unqualified guilt, do I intend to gain
It's not a mere fancy, that you pleasure to play
I'll simply reject, and look forward to my way.
No longer would it be the meek and shy,
No further would I only silently comply,
It's all over now, how much you may try,
All you'd find .. is newer dreams in these eyes
Aiming high, at the vast wondrous sky,
Much more to attain, I have a lot more to fly,
Here I apart, it's time to say Good bye
Adios frog !... This nightingale refuses to die ...

Kapil

Happy B'day :) ...

I am free!

2007-03-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

Gazing through the darkness, I now, can see
The purpose, this Life, is meant to be.

Beyond the misconceptions which are often brought,
In the unclear mind, the confused thought.
Flickering like a flame, dazed by ambiguity,
Of what to pursue, and what to not.

No more apprehensions, no more fears,
Realizing the futility of all those tears,
What I felt, what I loved, what I lived,
Judging me from you, during all those years.

Conflicting expectations, I hoped to attain,
Of some one, somewhere, in this cosmos; in vain,
Measuring my virtue, by its reward, the 'gain',
They're all gone, withered eventually, with pain.

Its clear ahead, the beginning, a Journey,
As always, as ever, of discovering 'me'
There are no inhibitions now, no incertitude I see,
I smile at myself, in absolute bliss, in glee.

Breathing the freshness, I feel, I am free,
Looking upto Life, I dare now, for victory! ...

Delta ... The Change

2007-03-22T04:38:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Hmmm, how odd to write at 3 am in night when I have the net from past 10 days :D ... and I used to think I'd be writing a post every week ! .... Anyways, here I am.

Considering my sanity and conscience exactly one year ago as a valid parameter, it's pretty interesting to sit back and realize the alterations ... extremely huge in their scope albeit, I'd like to make this audacious attempt at recognizing what matters the most.

The ambience, a drastic change ... from the carefree, effortless hostel life of studies and lotsa friends ... it brings me to a relatively rigid lifestyle where I live alone .... Initially, it used to be such a pleasure to observe and enjoy the merits of living in NCR .... so many shopping malls ... movies ... roaming ... Pizzas - a staple food ;) .... and then gradually the monotonicity creeps in .... it's the same / similar shops ... you can't be fascinated by the glossiness for too long if the substance is missing ... feels like saying, ok enough of this commercialism, may I have the cool breeze sitting at Limbdi corner back please ? ... ....

The people, ... hmm being in society, one always finds colleagues ... the ones which share your time at work ... at office ... at home ..... but friends ? ... Outta sight .... What is it ? ..... I just don't feel satisfied with the electronic interactions .... They are only 'nice-to-have's' .... somethings which we may require, but not the means of communication I'd like to 'live with' fr the Rest of my life ..... results ... a scrap or two occasionally ... a birthday wish (thnx 2 orkut) .... but mostly, Hi ! How r u ? Fine ! Tc ! .... ....... How did that 'Huge' circle of people shrink down to only few typed words ..... Life goes on ... yes it does ... but then it's for us to identify and shoot out those psychological barriers which advocate fatalism ..... Some people are always a part of our present .... and I'll always endeavor & search/create opportunities to meet :) ....

The goals, .... this is one aspect I think I've been going backwards ... it was so clear in the last 3 sems of college .... it's so confusing now ..... what's it ? ... I'm loving programs ... infact Job is the only best thing that has happened since college. Satisfying as present work, .... encouraging as a financial worth, ... and yes - the scope of learning till my wish ... (in terms of situations I mean) .... but does something remind / alarm me of anything missing ? ... ofcourse so many people in world don't do PG .... but I do wanna ! ... only how ? .. and what ? ..... I don't wanna leave the present ... no it's not the comfort zone of non-initiative .... but the extreme inclination to current scenario ..... could it be done along ? .... I dunno ... I wonder .... I refuse to think / decide rt now .... but till when ? .....

The life, ... well as was from school to college ... it seems fuller in sense of experience .... and yes fresh in terms of the career possibilities and scope ahead ..... but then, .... .... what about the human perspective ? ... How strange people simply go on ignoring this fact ..... saying I'll worry about that later ..... perhaps they know it's not going to be their call ... but I know it's in my hands... till a certain time limit ... and for God's sake it's about my whole life ! ...... if we devote so much of time thinking how we'll earn more efficiently, why don't we bother about the life-knot which will affect if we actually get to spend what we earn as desired or not ! .... and much much more ...... I wonder how come it's justified to believe that it's a disteraction ! ... I thought Job was a means to satisfy my ability to work and to earn for enjoying life .... it's in the last 2 words of this line that I believe we need someone .... who just can't be anyone. ...

Me, ... oh yes I have ... I've changed. From the heavily nostalgic days ... it's been a gradual acceptance of the present and simultaneous reduction in intimacy with people in general. I know at the end of the day it's gonna be me ... only me as of now ... It's been a subtle increase in the indifference to a number of aspects ... governed by the thought that minimizing 'what matters' stabilizes your reliance on it and hence maintains your calm and sanity. It's been helpful and effective so far ... the approach.

Hmm, lots of random pondering ... I can feel my eyes getting heavier now ... perhaps it's just the time to sleep ...

C ya later ...

Kapil

P.s. Some sharp n bitter observations are excluded ..... I'm too busy to devote my leisure time to anguish / woes :P ...

2007-02-27T00:31:00.000-08:00

What happens, to a shooting star,
A journey downwards, in its darkest hour
A sprightly smile, which fades into silence,
The murky darkness, flaunting its competence...

What happens, on a seismic wave,
A colossus of energy, from which none can save
The base of an edifice, which can no longer hold,
Crumbling under pressure, submitting to the new mould...

What happens, at an absolute catastrophe,
Everything collapses, in the omnipotent adversity
When human comprehension, reaches a new order,
Mind vacillating, In chaos, In order ...
When you see the wheel, spinning in reverse,
Further attempts, and the vision blurs
When all the efforts, are just in vain,
The more you try, further the pain
Every moment, every second, in agony it goes,
An incoherent irritation, exponentially it grows,
When a spirit experiences, its ultimate dilapidation,
Every element breaks, and acquiesces to decimation
An unbearable carcass, a broken soul,
Sans any ambitions, sans any goal,
Too tired to think, too exhausted to react,
Too finished to exist, only waiting... for the final act.

An Equal Music ! ...

2007-02-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

Perhaps this could have stayed unstated.

Had our words turned to other things

In the grey park, the rain abated,

Life would have quickened other strings.

I list your gifts in this creation:

Pen, paper, ink and inspiration,

Peace to the heart with touch or word,

Ease to the soul with note and chord.

How did that walk, those winter hours,

Occasion this? No lightening came;

Nor did I sense when touched by flame,

Our story lit with borrowed powers -

Rather, by what our spirits burned,

Embered in words, to us returned.

Hi Kapil !

Hmmm :D .... feels good to breathe in the fresh air of blogosphere after such a long break ... Hey Happy New Year ! ... the whole Jan passed maiden I regret .... however, with such remarkable similarity (hey but not monotonicity - mind it :P) in each day ... each weekend .... that it seems only recently when I last visited blogsvilla ....

Situatory Warning: What lies ahead is my impression of Vikram Seth's An Equal Music - continue at your own risk :P

More than an year back, the first time I read those words, I wanted to know more and more about their reference ... and commented what you know .... It was so obvious then, ... as if sans question, ... to know that I'd read this piece one day .... that I'd write about it ..... and yes, here I am .... only that ... perhaps you are not .... ...

The story beautifully portrays the inter-twining of Life of Michael, the central character with pure Music - as deeply and effortlessly as possible - something characteristic of Seth. Michael, 37, lives in London. His Life recognizes only two words - Music - via Maggiore - a string quartet which he's part of, via Virginie - his music student and Julia - his Love and co-student with whom he lost touch 10 years ago in Vienna, owing to his youthful exaggarated ire with their music teacher.

The usual life continues, the discussions of quartet echo a close yet argumentative group with each one's idiosyncracies surfacing at arbitrary occasions. And slowly the reader feels how does it matter ... the people of quartet and their talks and worries, Virginie and her one-sided love for him (as Michael only interacts with her physically, not emotionally), Michael's father, his aunt, their cat Zsa zsa, Mrs Formby .... the details come to fore, only to be blurred by whats going on in the subconscious of Michael - and the reader's as well ... Interrupted by the usual chores (which seem to be rather a hinderance), Michael's ponderings are a romantic's delight .... dis-continuous yet smooth, silent yet verbose ...

"Let me believe that she breathes, that she still exists, somewhere on this chance sphere."
"To lose touch - and hearing and smell and taste and sight. Not a week passes when I don't think of her. This after ten years: too persistent a trace in the memory."

"I was her first love, as she was mine. Nor have I ever been in love since. But then I have never fallen out of love with her - ..."
"What is she now, who is she now? Am I with such inane fidelity fixated on someone...."

And they meet ! Life gets beautiful all of a sudden .... Michael's too elated to feel it's true ... but then, just like their propitious meet, there are some further relevant and pragmatic truths to be unveiled ... She's married ! ... has a boy of 7 - Luke. Their meetings continue ... somewhat to the tone of 'Silsila' ... and it is during this, that reader gets to know of the relation between Virginie and Michael .... ofcourse it was always clear that he didn't love her ... it was always clear that she did ... but then ... don't we really get cruel Kapil ? ... in differentiating between the people we say we Love and people we don't ...
He doesn't tell her about Julia ... he ignores talkin to her .... his character gets somewhat .. grey, unlikeable .. and then the reader tends to question - Is this Love? ... . Music, to the less-acquainted (like me :D) is like a taciturn back-bone which continues smoothing up the flow whenever storyline gets abrupt ... The essentiality of music for Michael and Julia and all the characters in story is so tightly incorporated that it seems as natural and conspicuously necessary as breath. And yet again, inspite of all this ... the intensity and passion of Michael's thoughts is contagious ... it's as blunt and true as it could be ... well done Mr. Seth! .... The beauty of his romance reaches a most unexpected turn as he comes to know of another hard truth - Julia has stopped hearing! ...

"All the portraits where she paused, I now pause at. I see and hear her. Her tense shoulders... her laughter... "
My thoughts puzzle me with your image .... Did I ever see you? Yes ... Did you? .... Will I ?? .... Would You?? .... the whole arbitrary permutation of questions with no answers.... a silent, constant search ... of whom? .... You don't perhaps even know.... ... And soon ... it won't even matter .... ..... neither the queries ... nor replies....

It takes some finite time for the realization and implication to set in ... An ardent admirer of music who loves to play it - create it ... and yet, can't hear it ! .... and her practical response - learning lip-reading, and long hours of practice alone so as to operate the instrument as always - minimizing her dependency of listening what she herself played a moment back ! ...

What follows is a beautiful illustration of fugitive love ... a paradox which both of them ignore in their immediate ardor for each other after so many years ... what's it ... Emotion ? Prurience ? ... It's during such apparently blissful times that Julia has sharp, sudden realizations of her sin (not by blind social standards but self recognized) ... realizations of herself - her identity, and her 'family' .... while Michael can't bear to understand her feelings for James ... he feels duped -which, infact is the exact opposite of truth ... the magnitude of his passion fills vehemence in his convulsions ... the elucidation is too true to be fiction (yes you read that right) ... his violent, impulsive reactions hurt the relation deep .... But Kapil, do we .. or do we not mean what we say to people we love most, when we are angry? ... is it only the fury and expectation ... or a sense of attachment with the person as well - which fuels such dangerous audacity in our rage? ....

.... And then, Julia realizes that James has sensed !! ... thus comes the decision .... one-sided albeit (for Michael can't see it still) .... A most perfect answer to the situation ..... You can't cheat the person you love, even for the person with whom you romance ... You can't betray a fair soul and be in peace with complex desires ... You can't be true to anyone, while you've been lying to yourself ! ....

"I'm happy here with you. You are happy here with me. Isn't it that true? It's a miracle we're here at all. Isn't that enough?"

Yes, it is true, but no, it is not enough.

It's the elegance of plot, that the solitude of Michael in the end, even though being similar to what he was in the beginning, seems complete ... It seems proper, for now he has her music in his Life ... which makes him breathe.

A feeling of refreshment .... despite all its dependencies on being a consseiour of European music to appreciate it all, despite the discouraging and rather irritable weakness of Michael's character ... It's the realistic and yet encaptivating feeling of passion which drives one through this fantastic work. It's not as magnificient as others perhaps, but then Seth's effortlessness in embellishing the plain reality with glamour of fiction is admirably visible. Well read ! ..

I won't say I will always love you. It will sound too false. It's not false at all - but what good will it do you or me know it or say it?

I don't know if you'll ever come to know of it .... Was it a mere improper human wish? ... It's so hard to terminate some thoughts ... I'll not continue the 'search' any more ... I'll now let the feeling leave .... or so I think, .... or so I believe ...

Take care then,

Lets hope you write more in coming yr ... :)

Kapil

P.S. - The post is not expected to be comprehended completely ....

Searching ...

2006-11-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil,

I first read this as a small kid. The words appeared so very strange and yet so obvious then. They do so, still.

Gita Sar

Kyun vyarth chinta karte ho? Kisse vyarth darte ho? Kaun tumhe maar sakta hai? Aatma na paida hoti hai, na marti hai
Jo hua, vah achcha hua, jo ho raha hai, vah achcha ho raha hai, jo hoga, vah bhi achcha hi hoga Tum bhoot ka paschatap na karo Bhavishya ki chinta na karo Vartamaan chal raha hai
Tumhara kya gaya, jo tum rote ho? Tum kya laaye the, jo tumne kho diya? Tumne kya paida kiya tha, jo naash ho gaya? Na tum kuch lekar aaye, jo liyaa, yahi se liyaa Jo diyaa, yahi par diyaa Jo liyaa, isi (Bhagwan) se liyaa Jo diyaa isi ko diyaa Khaali haath aaye, aur khaali haath chale Jo aaj tumhara hai, kal kisi aur ka tha, parso kisi aur ka hoga Tum ise apna samajh kar magn ho rahe ho Bas yahi prasannataa tumhaare dukho ka kaaran hai
Parivartan sansaar ka niyam hai Jise tum mrityu samajhte ho, vahi to jeevan hai Ek Kshan main tum karoro ke swami ban jate ho, dusre hi kshan main tum daridra ho jate ho Mera-tera, chhota-badaa, apna-paraya, mann se mita do, fir sab tumhara hai, tum sabke ho
Na yeh shareer tumhara hai, na tum shareer ke ho Yeh agni, jal, vaayu, prithvi, aakaash se banaa hai aur isi main mil jaayega Parantu aatma sthir hai fir tum kya ho ?
Tum apne aapko Bhagwaan ke arpit karo Yahi sabse uttam sahaara hai Jo is sahaare ko jaanta hai vah bhay, chinta, shok se sarvada mukta hai
Jo kuch bhi tu karta hai, use Bhagwaan ke arpan karta chal Aisa karne se sadaa jeevan-mukta ka aanand anubhav karega

There is difference between reading, perusing, realizing and implementing albeit all depend inherently on the interpretation. Tears don't help Kapil, knowledge does.

...

P.S. :You were right Abhas ! ... for I too, don't want to be weak again ...

Madam, I'm Adam !

2006-10-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Hmmm, am here after a pretty long slumber (read wait for net connectivity - still waitin albeit :P), and that too on one of the most amusing topics for me (do I see 48 n 49 smiling rt now :D) ... well, here it goes ...

So Madam !
You're here. With all your interpretations of 'attitude', boasting on being able to discuss the oddest of topics, on relishing booze and four letter words with an illogical - rather fatuous sense of superiority, on being able to enjoy (n not bear) the likes of 'Omkara', on displaying the nastiest of worthless slangs on your Tees with mere shock value ....... You're omnipresent it seems ... and there are many more other souls also who want to mimic .. to be like You - for they believe that blindly breaking the simple - obvious generality is the key to fame - even if it goes against your logic or at times against your will as well.

Conveniently instigated by the likes and Minds of I.Today n TOI (India's eqv. of The banner - FH), - You often suffer from a rather baseless, whimsical cynicism against men - assuming they are all invariably of a feather ... you assume a guy always looks 6 inches below when he appreciates (TOI) .. and that by successfully teasing them, you've gained something (proved your point) - unarticulate, somehow. In that sense, I observe you're rather gullible enough to actually think that wearing less will perhaps symbolize / lead to your liberation ... It's in MIND - the sense of equality - why do you feel like craving for any senseless opportunity to justify or establish it ???..... I guess it is so very straight that it's only some 'men' who benefit from your such perceptions, and ironically enough ... you're still proud to do so ! You've similarly rigid conceptions for marriage - which you choose to thoughtlessly follow rather than comprehending the exact situation. The strict disparagement of household work, concluding that job is the only way of approving your existence ... and arguing to the extent of indirectly disgracing the way your mother brought you up - are ridiculous in their own right.

And why does that bother me? ... Why should I care for what you value and what you don't ? ... .... coz Madam ! ... I'm Adam ! :) ... and one day I'm gonna decide to beautify the rest of my life with 'some one' ! And I don't want that 'some one' to have been inspired by your capricious, hollow ideologies ... I prefer to regard you as an equal, individual identity rather than merely discriminating my opinion based on how you appear or try to appear. I revere the role of a house-wife as a responsible Home-maker, equally as I would appreciate you working. I believe that an infant does need you much more than he/she does me - and I don't see how you can ever exculpate yourself after ignoring him/her for pursuing your pseudo-individualistic ends. I believe in living life fair .... living it nice .... and living it (not passing it) together ! ... ...

I believe, luckily, I'd discover you one day ... as someone who lives life as per her own, chosen decision and not a second-hand, thoughtless, mindless imitation..... and equally hopefully ... you'd discover me ! :D

Take care,

Kapil

P.S. The post is a blend of personal and general remarks / cognitions in my work life.. so categorize them at your own risk :P .... further .... the other extreme also exists ... but lets talk abt it some other time :) ....

.

2006-08-13T23:09:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil,

How are you? … I know it has been a long time since I last talked to you about my matters. Things are going strange way Kapil. Ha, you’d rather laugh at the fact considering the present situation of a nice software job which I have always wanted – but then life always has its own terms and conditions – it always had, and if you’re not going to recognize them, you’re going to suffer from your expectations.

Expectations – yes this is the word I’ve always known to be the culprit from school times – I read it way back – this maxim of ‘expectations are root cause of our sorrows’ – at that time I’d realized it probably refers to the expecting a rich lifestyle – something which fascinated me then (oh it fascinates me still very much :P)… but then now I’ve started discovering different forms, definitions … rather implications of this nasty little word. Lately, I’ve been experiencing, that whenever I ‘react’ badly or I want to react roughly to a provocative & unfair (both as per me – I admit, but not exclusively me, I claim) ‘action’, there always seems to be a clear justification for that action while my reaction is criticized altogether. This act of criticism either puts me on the defensive so that I tend to justify myself in my own eyes, or perhaps when it is from some near ones, I tend to blame myself for the whole thing too badly. Take for example – when … or ok, lets not elaborate anything here … the point is same, whether about my seminar, whether about waiting for lunch at VT, and some other similar incidents where I’d been provoked.- behaving impulsively, with those whom I consider friend – truly, with those who really matter to me …. And yet, somehow, I felt at that time that those actions were unfair to occur, and all I received was how I should have reacted to the situation – to which I do agree with full sincerity, but with a human urge to ask this question which rings like anything in the back of my mind – “How come all what you do is right and fine, and all what I do is wrong and condemnable?” … Should I submissively gulp down every incident of provocation? That’s perhaps something I won’t prefer to do ever – coz then I’ll punish myself mentally from the action and the reaction both – while the other person won’t ever know of it. Hmm, it is not that I want to bring back or discuss any of those incidents dear Kapil, it’s only that since similar things start occurring in my work life- which is only 2 months old, I better give it a deeper thought coz here I ‘know’ I won’t be reacting with anything but a smile while biting my tongue and clenching my fist.

So, the solution point comes from two things – firstly, the impulse – is the incident ‘really’ more important to you than the person itself? Or do you think he/she would have preferred to make you suffer? … if the answer is No then the thing resolves so very cleanly - :) Isn’t it ? there are very few people we meet in life who really matter most to us - value them with belief, I know you do it dear, but why to attach certain forgettable incidents to your memory? …. I know you aren’t perfect but still – you can remember this small thing isn’t it?...

Next is the tougher bit – I realize Kapil that you meet every person for the first time with a neutral mindset. As the person behaves more and more justifiably, you treat him/her more and more highly in your mind – then as you discover further how wonderful a human he/she is – he/she moves even further – till he/she reaches the innermost circle of your interaction and concern - and that simultaneously and unknowingly weaves a set of expectations in your mind. I don’t say it’s a sin to ask for something from someone close to you – as there’s definitely a difference between what we ask from a stranger and a person whom we trust – a person whom we feel fortunate to have in our life. But THEN dear, here’s something what you seem to forget – something which you read in Gandhiji’s biography in childhood, something which you yourself recognize and follow (but in some other form), something which is so very obvious to you always – what Moon puts so very straightforwardly – “No other person can make you hurt without your own consent”. Do you get it? This is the essence of the most important responsibility you have – the responsibility to yourself – the responsibility to your life, your body, your soul, your cheer. Isn’t it? :) Oh yes I know you never rue for something all the time. Sooner or later, you tend to take the things as they are and find a reason to smile nonetheless. But then, if you’ve a clearer logic of the way you should perceive and look at your life … why not understand, appreciate, accept and finally follow it? … I know this is tough because it bluntly takes away the burden of your troubles from other person, or an external situation – and puts it straight on your shoulders. But then this was the first habit you read? Isn’t it? …. And interestingly enough, if you know you’re the one answerable to it, you also find that you’re the one who can make it go away. There again, it’s not only about your mental attitude where you obviously find a way out to glee, it’s also, and perhaps more now about your physical well being dear – why strain yourself to the extent that your dearest of dream never gets to get fulfilled? …. Please, (and I know you don’t like this word from Nanhi), please take good care of yourself…. Know why? … coz I care for you!...

Well, lets hope you remember all what I said!

God Bless You,

Kapil

Disclaimer: The incidents were not alluded with an intent to blame anyone – rather to make the discussion more clear :D

Friends Never Say GoodBye !..........

2006-07-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Hmm my first post from my laptop :).... it is on this simple, sweet, beautiful (oh yes) song... which is running on my comp n my mind from past few days (nights actually)..... it is not the exact situation or lyric reference which I do identify, just the essence of this very title line.... with a melodious music .... Well done Elton John...

There isn't much, I haven't shared,

With you along the road...

And through it all there'd always be,

Tomorrow's episode.

Suddenly that isn't true,

There's another avenue.

Beckoning, the great divide,

Ask no questions, take no side!

Who's to say who's right or wrong

Whose course is braver run...

All i know, is all we had

Is over ...said and done...

Friends never say good bye !... never say Goood Bye !!!!

Friends never say good bye ... never say good bye !!!!

Friends never say good bye ... never say gooooood bye !!!!

well .. GoodLuck! .. ya You too !

Memories, remembrance, thoughts, instances, events, incidents, moments, flashbacks and all ........ followed by a vague unconsciousness ..... (referred as sleep)

And as the alarm buzzes.. it's another morning again ! Full of cheer and glee... with fresh mood and attitude towards the new day ... going to office ... meeting nice people .... doing fantastic work (oh yes it surely is very interesting - fr me atleast :P) .... and then the inevitable night again ..... Life's so very contradictory .... the whole day I observe and tell myself of the demarcations between past, present and future ... and as the sun goes down, the differences blur, and all I can see is ... LC, Morvi, Viveka, Lanka ....

Take care

Kapil

My First Week At Adobe !!! : Blogger version

2006-06-11T02:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil,

Hmmm so finally got some time to write this, phew ! Ah firstly congrats for Adobe ! Seems amusing, doesn’t it? That after writing three long posts for jobs, you’ve finally joined the one for which you didn’t wrote any, probably because this one was so different from them in some ways… I only had my parents near by to wish me… no acquaintances, no college friends, no T9, no monsters …no bumps, no treats … and then at such times one realizes what actually success means… how do we define it, it is not about the dependency on others that I am referring to, but about an independent inter-dependence (chosen by my own will) when I feel glad to share certain incidents of my life … with some … who matter. Nevertheless, I did talk to them, and it felt great!

Ah so coming back… hmmm Adobe Systems India! An excellent concern as per my experience so far. To begin with, well on the first day we were given loads of forms to fill (the usual ones you know… bank accounts, LIC forms, medical claims and all…), and a nice wonderful gift that is an iRiver U10 -sorta ipod like device with 1GB memory to store jpg(pics), mp3(audio), avi(video), flash games, text along with the usual FM and alarm facilities. He he .. welcome to Adobe! A great place for employees – splendid facilities – from recreation (lawn tennis, volley, TT, gym, print and video library and more) to a comfortable, spacious cubicle (it is incorrect to use this term actually – a cubicle is supposed to be much smaller I think) with all the technical requirements at your service!

I am an MTS (Member of Technical Staff), which means I’ll be in dev. (development). While I realize I’ve a lot to learn right now, the ambience is just perfect for me to get going asap – my only requirement – coffee (umm coz I don’t like tea with teabags) is always available … albeit I’ve reduced its consumption (ahem! :P). Wont stress more on my work here, just that it feels fantastic here so far… with nice cooperative people and a conducive enviro (does it sound like reiterating the same thing again – but can’t help :D – it actually is so). Thank you God!

Now that you’ve stepped into the work life Kapil, a lot more realizations become ubiquitous. A new paradigm towards life, while it gets obvious that a certain period of time (few cherished moments) won’t ever come back again, it is equally significant to remember that it is not applicable to people, as soon as this transient phase settles down, the links will again strengthen into a new mould, may be in a more befitting manner. So, don’t think about it, but rather know it with a determination as to how you want to shape your life, its upto you Kapil, don’t let the situations take over – be careful dear !!!

Hmmm, that’s all for now, I guess I’ll continue blogging with same passion (if not with same devotion) as ever – and you too take care and keep smiling (rem. HP1? It wasn’t without purpose when Dumbledore tells Harry that the magic mirror which shows you your desires has spoiled many lives – always staying into dreams never helps, working for making them true does… so look forward to the present with cheer and exuberance!)

All the best

Kapil

The Last Safar ~ Suffer :D

2006-05-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !!!

Ok ! So finally the college is over and you're @ home right now . Lots (its a very small and insufficient word .. but still) of things are past now ... lots of activities ... lots of moments ... but ... hopefully ... or to rather put it in more reponsible and confident phraseology ... surely ... some wonderful people continue to be in present ... and they'll ... as long as I and they wish to ... :) ....

My last day at IT was pretty hectic ... and eventful too .. in terms of saying adieu to people ... First of all 'twas Madhur and Garima - going by KV ... and it was very pleasing to know tht sweet si sister controlled herself this time ! ... :) .. after all ... Madhur n us all can definitely plan to meet again !!! ... Their train left at 2 .. and I was left with a peculiarly thought provoking task of finding an algorithm so as to manage my packing of PC, coming again to c off Mukul n Pravi, and also to come to Cantt again ... for my own train :D .. all within 4 hrs !!!! Wel, the catalysts were Panda, Saurabh and Bhati ! ... so that with bike riding experience identical to trinity driving the Key maker (refer Matrix Reloaded for details) .... I could actually manage it all !!!... reached station at around 6.15 .... and then ... watched the persons around me ... Sush ! Ani ! Utsav ! Vibhav ! Badhoi ! Sudeep ! Nand ! Saurabh ! Cruise ! Ankita and Ramya ! (no order please)... and realised what the moment meant .... it was ... over whelming ! to say the least ....

Not exactly coherent with post .. but still remembering
.. Mukul Myself n Nitin

Thank God Nitin was there with me and as we chatted while the train .. ShivGanga express had left Cantt, I felt more and more comfortable. A small chat with Anki and the presence of AC compartment alleviated the mood further. Then we took notice of some foreigners around us and discovered that they were from Holland (now all you expectin a Su as in RDB ... sorry guys :D - dutch people have no qualms about above 90 weights it seems :D ). After some deep, intensive, comparative discussions of higher education system and its structure in the two countries ... we left to meet Ankur, Shruti and Roomi (guess I get the name n spellin rt) in sleeper coach ... and Gosh they really had LOTS (read in fontsize 40 :D) of luggage !!! ... It was only helpful that they had to go only till Kanpur ! After dinner, Myself and Nitin decided to take a small nap before Kanpur station arrived. Fortunately, one person did wake us at Kanpur so that we could just say Good Bye to these three in time .. and got back on our train running .... BUT IN SLEEPER COACH !!!!

Here the things took a completely DIFFERENT TURN as when we travelled towards the AC coach ... we found that SHUTTERS WERE CLOSED after 12 !!! Nitin and me looked at shutters .... we looked at each other ..... and burst into laughters !!!!! :)) .... This whole stupid mistake meant that after spending about 3 times the price for an AC coach, we were actually going to spend whole night sitting on the door of a sleeper coach (as no berth was free) !!!... while our luggage was there in AC coach .. at the mercy of some Dutch people .. The Pantry was also closed and hence no means to quench our thirst !!!! .... We couldn't help laughing at it more and more as we recognized the absolute foolishness of the situation ... TT also came after sometime, checked our tickets... and must have laughed in his heart too.. at our luck :D ..... we then opened the door of moving train, and sat together at the footsteps .... enjoying the speed -? :D ... and trying to overcome the slumber ... It, as a matter of accepting it with a smile, occured that we can chat about our 4 years ... and enjoy the uniqueness of this last college trip from Vns to Home .... which could not have been possible in normal way :D .... Hmmm ... I did take a small nap somehow ... (he he ... cant help it ... refer my 7 things post .. ) .. and at 5.40, as the shutters were opened... we rushed to our berth and fell like woodlogs .... interestingly enough ! None of our fellow passengers had actually noticed that we were absent for the whole night !!! .. They were only amazed that we were sleeping till 8.15 :D ... "Yeh aaj kal ki generation ... kuch hisaab nahin hai .. etc etc " :D :D ....

Hmmm ... So the train reached New Delhi ! .. Papa were there to recieve :) .... I wished Nitin all the best for Adobe's interview ... and we said good bye ...
Goodbye to IT BHU ! ... 'See you' to my friends !

So ... as the interview is now over (mine not too gud) ... lets wait for the results ... lets hope/wish it also leads to a post .. similar to the three before (he he he) ....

Keep smiling dear !!!!

Kapil !

Ae waqt ruk ja...

2006-05-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil ! :)

Hmm .. feels nice to write after so many days .. infact more than a month. My exams were going on a few days back and it was 4.28 am as I waited for my exam at 8am - of the most significant subject - 'Environmental' which has had the pleasure of no lectures or classes and has zero credits :D, that I started writing this post. This time, it seems that even the professors and lecturers are getting the feel of last semester as the question papers have been pretty straight forward and without any fuss.

Infact one day, while sitting in the examination hall, at one point of time I simply didn't feel like writing anything. I felt almost saturated with repeating all the theory I had mugged up last night and wished if someone would come and see whats in my mind and get satisfied that yes I know the answer :D ... so I stopped my pen n started thinking as usual .... this time remembering some light moments with my school sister .. some giggles shared with Raj ... and some lines by Anki (not poetry this time albeit :).. ).. for a moment, I almost forgot I am in the examination hall .. and when I did come back ... I started writing again ....

These wonderful memories.. I have been thinking from sometime .... as they come again and again in more or less chronological order ... right from my Horrible Mech-ragging year with my extremely gentle room partner Sachin Singhal ! Then GG and our first experience of KSD sir's terrorizing lab .. "Malik sahab ! kahan se aaye hain aap ? " :D :D ... those irritating ED / MD labs in which the poor white sheets had to suffer through the highly untidy treatment I gave them... Those lots of events and fests ... and the interaction with two seniors for whom I am yet to find an equivalent .. in terms of what they stood for a fresher .. and for IT ... Animesh Pathak bhaiyya (immaculate !).. and Vasu bhaiyya! ... .... Then came the branch change ... the likes of leaving one group of wonderful mates, and joining other .... accompanied by a not-so-pleasing nickname which forced me to smile every second of my classroom life.... doing those lengthy (full of chat) labs with Raj and Ritu ... and those days of project with Ramya and Harnath bhaiyya under PKM sir ! The branch tour - ultimate masti @ B'lore, Goa n Mumbai ... going to lanka with Sush ... and chatting at cafe along with a fractured left hand !!! ... the T9 days .. and introduction to some notty juniors :D .. and lots of wonderful poems !!!! ...... The sweet bumps of campus :D .... and discovering further two sweet monsters for what they mean :) !!! (Thnk you so much Dearest God !) .... It has been a really beautiful, funfilled journey altogether ... and I am extremely glad to have the current circle of people around me .... only that this togetherness is going to end in the next (<10) days ... My last theory exams of B.Tech are over .. and I'll be leaving Varanasi on 11th most probably.

How does it feel Kapil ? ... Strange ? Sad ? Afflictive? .... from a deep prolonged solitary silenced state of stupor when you are unaware of time and events and the people around you .. to the unbound tears as you go through the memories again and again ... Now don't you say that memories are supposed to be a reason for smile and not melancholy ... It's only the remembrance of those unmatched joys which make me wish for them again ... the feeling that this instant should freeze here right now... and continue til eternity....

I know it's not going to be so ... I know you'll say - "Oh c'mon Kapil! Now grow up!Face reality Face Life (and the likes of it..)" ... I know it all Kapil ! .. It's only that I don't wanna admit it right now .. let me be safe in this blissful non-understanding .. with this stupid childish wish to God .... With these feelings I have .... after all It was only me who had decided all this for myself ... the moment I allowed myself to take those delectations for granted .. as If they are forever .... I had as if written it for sure that I'll face this pain .. and now I don't want to stay away from it ... for it is .. in some sense as dear to me as are these memories ... I want to live it ... live these nimbly moving days, hours, minutes and seconds .... with all the due credit they deserve .... Even if it is accompanied by dolor ... yes!!! please keep me away from this so called 'Mature and Professional Attitude towards life' for sometime ... I wanna relish the present and the past ... for what it is and what it means to me!!! ..and not what it 'should' mean to me ....

Take care dear .... won't you ?

Kapil

P.S. : My orkut fortune says today your dearest wish will come true ! :D .... I simply wonder if it were really true, then what my single dearest wish would be ? .... (neglecting those ultra-intelligent logics of "my wish is that my 100000 wishes come true" etc. etc.) .... btw ... I've thought of mine already ... what will be Yours ? :)

Present .. a Gift !!!!

2006-03-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

Some moments we had shared
A Past so beautiful and dear
These will all be but memories
As Future knocks so near
To recollect those occasions, or dream of destined
As slowly this time does drift
Its neither I'll choose to do, I'll rather
Cherish only this 'Present' ... so wonderfully a Gift !

Hi Kapil,

Isn't it true ? This Present .. that we are granted ? ... all of us who've been left with so less in our hands now as the sand of time slips away... And as one sees it from my perspective... some are truly more fortunate than others (honestly .. I am boasting right now .. pretty confidently).

So the day finally arrived ! 4th March - Saturday, when two mischievous students (read monsters from Venus) - Anki and Shilpi! had asked their innocent, humble, decent, submissive (he he jyada to nahin hua na ? :D ) final yrites - Rajat, Vibhav, Madhur and Myself! to meet. As we had enquired.. the reasons had varied from 'pitai' .. to 'ragging' :D .. to a very auspicious one (wedlock for a lucky girl :D ). Anyhow, at 8.00 pm (only half an hour late- tht too coz of a misunderstanding).. we reached at Aman. Only to have one of the most memorable evenings ever for me atleast.

It was a treat ! By our beloved sisters who had planned it all - the eve - the dinner - the Cake (ahem - this post could have easily been named - "Cherry on the Cake" but I think someone 'else' would prefer to choose this title ;) ) - and everything (everything does include somethings much more precious).

It started with usual chitchats about the future prospects of the lucky girl who was giving pretty good poses for all her snaps. But then it shifted to those for we 4 - and few of us were really excited to have a desirable company (4 foreigner ladies) on the table to my right - thereby trying our level best to take photos or recordings so that our neighbors are inevitably a part of them :D. And soon there was the delicious cake ! -

Where there is a cake - there is a 'Cherry' .. and there was Raj - enjoying it with a 'decent' smile (is se jyada nahin likh sakte :)) :)) )

The cake read - 'Celebration' - and that is what it truly was - a Celebration ! - of what ? ..... a Farewell ? Noo ! (I agree with Anki n Shilpi).... then ? ... of the admirable times spent together ? or of those fights which were continuing between two members of below55 group last evening too ? ... of all those laughters we had shared ? ... of all those mischiefs? ... a celebration - yes it was !!!! And .... (I am sorry Kapil - cant help it... you know it I cant) .... yes it surely doesn't feel convenient to me ... to acknowledge this fact ... to even state it here.... ah yes I know all happens for good- but still - I dunno ... logic fails at times ... when heart denies to listen a single word of mind.. both are silent..... the heart .... vacillating between an unending bliss and an unwantedness of future...... while the mind..... determined ... to observe what must happen .....

It's not fair !!!!!!!!!! Or is it ? I don't know ..... I can't decide ....... and I don't want to know!!.... I don't want to decide !!!..... The feeling surpasses the domain of words .... Its delectation blended with a pain ... I am no one who should write all this ... dear God ! You've blessed me with more than I ever deserved .... and may be that's why I am being too selfish now ... too blind to ignore the unavoidable ....

Ok lemme finish it here only now.... dear Sisters ! We're glad to have You in our lives ... we're glad to be a part of every second You share with us ! And we Wish you to be bestowed with all the blessings which you desire and deserve always and forever ! It's not an adieu .. It will never be ...
... and thats why I choose to recognise only the "now" .... do you realize it again Kapil - why this is so befittingly a "Present" ... a "Gift" !!!

Take care dear (won't you ? :-) )

Kapil

To Miss Ayn Rand ....

2006-02-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil !

After listening so much about this book, I finally read it - 'The FountainHead' by Ayn Rand. A strange book - it deals more with characters - rather than situations so that at any point of time - one doesnt lose interest at all - and still, amazingly enough - one doesnt feel bound to it by any means like in a suspense thriller - and can comfortably have a break- only to continue with equal interest ! I found - at numerous (truly - not 1 or 2 or 5 or 10 - but many more) occasions that I should talk to Miss Ayn Rand and am so glad that I completed it -

"Miss Ayn Rand !
My heartiest congratulations ! You've achieved a rare splendid feat in this exquisite novel ! A realization of true independence to the reader! One actually does feel what it means to be someone who's not defined by others - who does not seek himself - his motives, his actions, his rewards from others' point of view - one who's NOT a second hander ! It's so much discernible every where - the Peter Keatings of today's world- the kind of person many of us are impressed by - at times ! Persons defined more by the shadow, than by the object - define more by the impression than by the character - people who seek admittance as their ONLY purpose and depend like a parasite on others' perceptions .... people who donot like a single bit of what they say or do at times - but only want to be seen, to be known as a great human who does all these things ... hypocrites ? no ... there's a still better word ... The second handers. They never had any will of their own - the only standards they look upto are drawn by others - the people who never had any 'self' - you elucidate it out so very elegantly Miss Rand !

And then You introduce the Creator - the Howard Roark who believes in ingenuity. Who believes in the absolute power of a human to make things happen. A wonderfully cheerful, dauntless, full of self esteem character ! The amount of self belief induced by his mere presence is extermely enlivening. Ofcourse ! one must believe in him/herself before believing to others - also nicely explored in this one by Miss Ruchika. You glorify the act of creation Miss Rand- which is as it should be - every new painting, every new poem, every new story, every new music - has a potential of its own - a charm, a beauty, a grace which ought to be admired for its existence as a unique identity. Ah we may say we are all unique - but what about our acts ? Do we actually believe in what we are doing or do we take it for granted since it is being done by others from centuries? Do we care to realize at any point of time what we are doing? It's not a matter of copying others - one can't say we copy others in having food - it's a matter of does our intellect actually does realize what are our needs? Whether we really revel in our jobs by deriving a pleasure of making something work / happen by our own unique approach to it (since we do it with our own spirit - which is obviously a singular entity) or do we absent mindedly imitate the process so that not an ounce of it belongs to us?

You illustrate the concept of Integrity and Individualism with magnificence Ayn. It is conspicuous - omnipresent. The exaggaration of the banal - the false sense of being proud in triteness - so that the greatness itself becomes not only someting unreachable - but also undesirable - so very unhealthy a symptom for a society. As Toohey puts it -
"When the fact that one is a total nonentity who has done nothing more outstanding than eating, sleeping and chatting with neighbours becomes a fact worthy of pride, of announcement to the world and of diligent study by millions of readers - the fact that one has built a cathedral becomes unrecordable and unannouncable".
We see it ubiquitously - the mob is too willing for the inactivity - it condemns every attempt to act as a sacrilege - in classrooms, government offices, parliament sessions where all meetings and discussions are mere representations of blindly agreeing to what is going on - recognizing the doer as evil and criticizing him straight away ! Your book (truly) provides me an exclusive feeling of self-worth everytime I realize there's some of Howard Roark in me- it makes me go into self contemplation when I recognize a keating in any of my acts ! It surely is a splendid piece Miss Ayn Rand ! Only that this doesnt stop here.

You acclaim Individualism at length Miss Rand - but at so many occasions it is not your disapproval, but your fear for the mass which is heard in the book! You criticize altruism blankly - implying that the only reason why one ever helps others is to seek appreciation from others, and in some sense - also makes others dependent on him - may be you find the idea of deriving a genuine pleasure from any such acts(not because others appreciate - but because one himself wants to do it) as a hypothetical fancy which only exists in imagination - it is NOT so Miss Rand. You say that to agree is dependence and the creator is the one who disagrees - isn't there an equal underlying compulsion in always disagreeing to the mob Ayn? - so that one doesnt realize what he wants but only blindly follows the rule of disagreement ! Dominique quite efficiently portrays this attitude of yours - becoming a self paradoxical character who hates the mob but lives right in its heart - only as a lifeless carcass, who loves the integrity of Roark but still is flawed and vulnerable enough to literally beg for him (It was so obvious Ayn ! only if one realizes it) at the Stoddard Temple case.

You say that all collective action is unproductive, as Roark remarks - "I don't work with collectives. I don't consult, I don't cooperate, I don't collaborate." You deny the need for any education in this line Miss Rand and visualize the whole world to be made up of separate units which have NO idea of whether others' exist or not ! The oblivion to others' existence is what fascinates you but then even Roark DID NEED the workers to get his works realized - to put it bluntly ! And suppose all his workers thought of the building from their own isolated perspectives, worked irrespective of what others are doing, it could have never been built ! It is extremely wonderful to realize one's worth - one's Independence Ayn but the process doesn't stop here - you so conveniently ignore the presence of a society but if all the people of world become what you imagine then it will stop right now - we all must be free in our action - true! but recognition of a common goal and contributing our own best is what is desired ! Not an apparently aimless wandering with a useless proud which yields nothing !

You are afraid of relations Miss Rand ! May be you think that relations lead to concern for others which leads to dependencies. You quote through Roark "To say 'I Love You' one must know first how to say the 'I'". but he never gets beyond that 'I' - he does never show any emotion to common people, neither does he ever recognize their existence. You say that Man's first duty is to himself - but you seem to consider NO other duty at all ! Roark speaks - "An egotist does not exist for any other man - and he asks no other man to exist for him. This is the only form of brotherhood and mutual respect possible between men" You don't believe that relationships can be an amazing source of strength at times. You yourself had a happy married life for 50 yrs, while in the novel the only way Roark seems to identify Dominique is through his own body needs as he violates her for the first time. That there is a reason of concern for each other between them is a topic on which you appear hazy and confused, while the relationship of Dominique and Wynand is much more clear. I'll mention one example Ayn - if a mother doesnt care for her newly born child - it will die ! The Love without reason is what makes her do so - she demands nothing from that child, but gives unconditionally - if it were not so - you would not have seen a day's light Miss Rand.

Why am I saying all this to you ? for I don't think it is merely a piece of fiction. You intend to introduce Objectivism as you define through it. However, your ideals and principles look inclusive of glitches and the childhood impact of the Bolshevik Revolution in 1917, in which your father's pharmacy was confiscaetd and you had to suffer periods of starvation, is more than noticeable. Your experience made you a firm opposer of Socialism and understand Capitalism as the only and the best form of system. You've developed your theory into a complete philosophy of life and the Ayn Rand Institute (ARI) provides a comprehensive range of programs like Student clubs and internship programs where students are 'collectively' taught the fundamentals of 'objectivism' (seems pretty contradictory to me albeit- but it is true !).

You bring forth the wonderful concept of Independence Miss Rand ! But in a desire to make it only and complete philosophy of Life - you seem to err ! For Independence ought to lead to Inter-dependence, in which individuals act to their own will for a mutual cause, with mutual harmony ! Anyhow, it was superb reading your creation ! It'll be interesting to go through Atlas Shrugged I believe !

Hope to write to you again !

Kapil ! "

P.S. I address her as Miss only because it felt like more appropriate to her - for her sirname remained the same after marriage.

Dinner dinner :D

2006-02-18T23:05:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil !

Well after quite a slumber, this is not exactly the post with which I expected to break the ice. Nevertheless, I am very glad that I am writing all this in a delectation and not melancholy :-) So here it goes -

Shilpi got a call from HongKong !!! (Uh not a phone call dear - a call for internship !) and we 3 (Anki, Shilpi n Myself) got our sem results too. Interestingly enuf, She also got the lowest rank among us but the highest grades :D (depends on the dept u c :D ). Now to the 3 eternal enjoyers of dining out - this was an occasion for sure !

18th Feb,Sat - 6.15pm I am sleeping with no concern for whereabouts of the rest of the world. And then the phone rings - Shilpi says we've to leave at 6.35 -Oops ! lots of hurry - lots of running (even after postponing it to sm extent) - finally we depart and pick Anki from CL where she was waiting after her class. Kovil - it was a surprising and admirable efficacy with which Shilpi remembered the route in a place so comprehensively confusing as Varanasi ! So we reach there and the auto driver offers to wait for us till we dine - unique fr me atleast - we accept anyhow. Enter Mr. Waiter :D - a tall, round faced guy with bright complexion and no spects. Calvin started her usual play with the fork (as if searching for a proper prey) until she actually got a knife after I asked one from Mr.waiter for her :D Now, Mishap no.1 - as I reach my pocket to take out the 3 chocolates - hey ! There's only one of them? what about the other two ?? we couldnt guess anything except that they might be left in the auto. The chats continue and Mr. waiter comes to take the order - one paneer dish ? no lets try the other one - we opt and one mushroom dish. He repeats (did he?) and I can't remember if we ever said ok to him. Soon after, it is served and Mishap no.2 - there are three servings??? this was completely inadmissible for the below 55 group of us atleast :D -
"but how come? we ordered only two?"
" No Madam", he says with a silly smile - "you ordered all three and even affirmed when I repeated it !"
"What a stupid thing ! can't you take it back?"
"Not after it is served !"
Oh noo ... "chalo we'll get it packed and carry it to the hostel so tht someone else (saturday eve- mess off) might have it". And Anki takes out her cell and calls -
"Hello ! Hi !
Where are you going tonight? ...
Achcha ! Ohh ..(with a tone of regret :D)
nahin nahin its ok .. chalo bbye"
and Me n Shilpi couldnt stop laughing at the possible reactions of other person who just now recieved a sad "Achcha ! ohh .."simply on admitting she was having a fine dinner tonight :D After troubling two ppl, we finally decide upon a wonderful idea that The dishes be packed and .... (ah I'll unveil that a bit later Kapil :-) ) Meanwhile, Mr. waiter was somehow, not exactly scared of Calvin's terror stare and was continuously looking with a stupid smile .. we tried to ignore and indulge in our chit chat until I too started staring at him with similar patience - he turned his eyes away :D Whew ! We get out of the restaurant swearing never to come here again (even one of the dishes - which we didnt want to order - wasn't exactly good) Our auto wala finds us as we step out, and then I take out the chocolate - and ask with curiosity to the driver if he found anything on the seats ? "haan bhaiyya ! humein do toffee mile the .. humne kha liye ! bahut achche the !!" the funniness and innocence of the tone in which he uttered these words - :)) :)) 'twas absolutely fantastic ! - Meanwhile, Anki also had brought a chocolate so we enjoyed them to our pleasure. 18th Feb ? is it tht too an auspicious day ? for we saw not one not two ... 6 baraat's while returning ... reminded of the KY from the dance and were amused at the time these jams were taking - gladly, it was saturday so no problem for these 2. Just then during our deep ? :D discussions ... I slip my hand in pocket to take out my cell and Oh No !!!!! Mishap no.3 - I forgot my cell at the dinner table !!!!!

We tried calling to it but it was switched off (low battery). I call from Anki's cell to Raj and ask if any guy with bike can come immediately (in the jam it wasnt possible to take any auto back) .. he advised to call Surya who was at durgakund only. I stepped out of the Auto and waited for him at lanka only. He and Sachin came soon(11th samaritans) to the situation and adroitly speeded his way through the jams (while I was constantly thinkin - not this time .. not again!!) and we reached Kovil again. In extreme anxiety I ask manager about the cell and Thank God !!! he answers affirmative ! Wow :-) ! What a feeling ! - It's probably the first time I was able to locate anything as important as this back. Cheers to that ! - and we enjoyed the icecreams at the near by shop - Yummie truly ! ... Thank You God ! :-)

Ah wait a min dear, the treat is not over yet :D (remember the dishes we got packed?)- for we 3 met again - today morning - at VT :)... along with the dishes and some parathas (courtesy GH) - and had a most wonderful breakfast outside it !!!! Now that was really a positive way of responding at the undesirable event of having ordered (not sure still - did we actually?) extra food - to enjoy it together again :-)

A dinner to be remembered ! - so many mishaps :D ... and such excellent moments :) ... ah kaps - enjoy the icecream before it melts ... only abt 2 months remaining ... dont think .. simply enjoy... - to the utmost !!!!!

Take care

Kapil

Tour de KGP... a Joie de Vivre

2006-01-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil !

This is a very unique post... dedicated to my singular visit to any IIT fest in past 4 yrs....that too in absence of any of my IT friends.... and trust me dear... it was a tour worth remembering in so many terms.... :-).. here it goes...

The Journey !
Actually abt 2hrs before the scheduled departure of the train, Rajat told me tht Mughal sarai is diferent from Manduadih and thus I need to start packing :D. As per the 'Just in Time' IT mentality, he managed to drop me at Cantt and I was stuffed into a 'high packing ratio' tempo. At Mughal sarai, the train was delayed by 45 minutes so the futility of hurry was obvious. Anyhow, the train started and I started reading The Alchemist. What a wonderful book it is :-), some lines perfectly matched the situation -

"It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting"
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"
The rest didnt apply for this moment.

In between, while chatting with fellow passengers, I realized the risk of my route (including gaya) while I was alone. The thought of a mishap gave me shivers for once and I prayed to God... well he did protect me and nothing at all happened :-). From Howrah to KGP, I boarded a local train and started my habit of analysing people... this time it was a fascinating activity of recognizing characteristic Bengali features.... broad forehead with a peculiar built up of region surrounding eyes giving them a pretty proud, full of self esteem, confident appearance which I've always admired. KGP, the longest plateform(in World?) came and the first sounds I heard were 'Cholbe na.. Cholbe na..'....the strikes and the unions ... reminded me immediately of my location. The rodas however were pretty clean and void of rush - just opposite to those of Varanasi :D. I reached IIT KGP.

@ KGP !
Before I dare utter out any single word - 2 wonderful persons deserve a heartiest thanks... (no it's not to cover up, but a recognition). At an unknown place, had it not been for Vikas(Alok's younger bro), my stay in the campus would have been a virtual impossibility ... a very humble, helping guy- truly don't know how to appreciate such an act. Nextly, I was here without any of my friends and the melancholy of loneliness would have definitely eaten away all my opportunities to enjoy if Shwetank (on whose comp I wrote most of this post while he was sleeping), my friend had not cooperated me. He made the stay really a memorable one for me as he generously asked me to join his group.

Now for the SpringFest - I must say, in these 3 days, KGP was absolutely rocking to its utmost! In quite contrast to what Siva and Anki experienced and observed during their summer training here, the enviro was full of exuberance. There were people and people every where, all so full of enthu ... so many events going on in parallel (yups it was much more grand than KY...sponsors may be) ... along with Sudeep's friend Siddharth, a very lively guy, we really had a ball ! I missed the Euphoria unfortunately, but had the profound pleasure of witnessing Shankar Mahadevan's energetic live performance... the scene of about 1000 cell phones waving in darkness of night to the tune of Kal Ho Na Ho... it was simply awsome !!!... and then there was this artful eve of Haasya Kavi samelan - including Hullad Muradabadi...both the events were great :-)

However, this is not all... For there were many a moments of solitude...Have you ever entered a Hall swarming with people, yet not a single face recognizes you and neither do you wait for any ?... That you sit alone and wish someone to be beside you?... It was not easy at times... But truly, such moments are equally dear to me (for they belong to me and me alone) as those of joy. I tried to write something again (:D.. don't worry I'm not gonna quote it here)

As I was about to leave KGP at 4 am in the morning... a strange thing occured ... ofcourse I wanted to meet my college friends.. but still, I also did not want to leave KGP!... this had never happened before (after all I also visited B'lore, Goa, Mumbai in my Industrial tour last to last year - but such feeling never striked me)... anyways, I shouted 'GoodBye KGP' aloud before I took a Rickshaw to the station...

The Return journey was pretty un-eventful (sleeping most of the time), and only after I reached Mughal Sarai ( the train was late by 1.5 hr), that I finally had this wonderful feeeling of cheer ! of coming to IT again and couldn't resist calling to Raj and Anki on the station itself.

Well the visit was worth it ! I wish albeit (so very dearly) that it could have been better.... yet I realize, it could have been worse too...in many ways....but if not friends, may be some blessings did accompany me.

The picnic of 8th sem continues... lets see whats next on the list? :D

Take care dear...

Kapil

P.S. : Hey ! hey !! hey !!! - Siva got his second Job in BPCL !!!!!!!!!! Fantastic to hear that !!!!.. Thank God he wasn't with me.. Whatever Happens... it Happens for the Good ! isn't it? :-)

365X24X60X60 Moments to Cherish..

2006-01-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil!

Today is 16th Jan 2006, one very 'special' year has passed; full of cheer, naughtiness, troubles and of course… of measureless innocence:-).

Has it ever happened to you that you’ve a reason to celebrate and it’s you who gets a treat for a surprise?... or that there are some who relish in your happiness in such wonderfully pleasing way that you can only get overwhelmed and speechless at times… that in every challenge you faced, there were certain words which always stood by your side “Rest you may, but dare you stop” is what they said…. That in spite of the obvious admirableness in their respective fields – some sweet persons do listen out all you had to say with untiring patience…

I must here thank the stars (ofcourse!) and Vibhav which somehow brought me this serendipitous opportunity to work for National Youth Fest last year so that after one tiring, restless night out for making a program, I actually met two mischievous humans – Ankita and Shilpi, my sweet sisters :-)…Honestly, life has been so very nice since then, (as I observe the fact that out of so many persons we meet in our day to day life, rarely do we find one to be so true in any and every sense)

From the troublesome days of calling ‘sir’, to reading sooo many simply fabulous creations, the fantastic treat which I was awarded with on my job, to the cherished enjoyment of my success with such dearness, to…………….. I can go on and on…. It doesn’t actually need to be listed out,... to be mentioned explicitly here or anywhere…, the treasured invaluable gifts I've been blessed with... so many times...

Some moments are too beautiful to be put into words…too pure to be touched by articulation... and my memory will always consist of those numerous small, unforgettable, adorable, smiling occasions… I have been luckier than I ever deserved to be… I know it…. Dear Anki, Shilpi … no I won’t introduce inadequacy by using Thanks… but only that if one sees it from my eyes, a brother can’t be more fortunate than I have been...

God Bless You ...

Kapil

P.S. Ah, Some thoughts are beyond any comments… aren’t they? :-)

Cheers To CAT Toppers !

2006-01-05T01:36:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil ! :-)

Wish you a very Happy New Year !!!!

Hmm, this post comes a bit late owing to a slight lack of initiative from me as well as the unpropitious Internet connectivity in the hostel. 2005 - The year that has been so very generous to me - extremely wonderful in terms of meeting new people, gaining more experiences (ah, the days of fractured elbow), realizing some lessons of this phenomenon called Life, programming :D, reading so many delightful poems (writing some too)... and ofcourse getting placed :).

The first fantastic news which I've heard in 2006 is my friends getting calls from IIMs after cracking their first step of CAT in style - Arpit(6), Vinit(5- except A), Utsav(6). Well done ! Their snap in order from Left -

The next thing which grabbed my mind has been the parties in our branch - on 31st night and the CAT Party by the trio. A time to regale, it also provided me some thoughts which I scribbled in my notebook initially, here they are -

Time to Party

Congrats to our would be engineers
Its the time to party, time to cheers

Lets play the music
Shake a leg or two
We've unlimited booze here
got some grass for you too

Lets untie our strings
and get to chill
Care not for anything
feel the ecstasy and thrill

The volume goes up
The drink pours down
And in that golden liquid
Many choose to drown

As the party proceeds
Our creme de la creme crumble
The vision is beclouded
And able legs tremble

The movements go rickety
A few glasses break
The proud technocrats continue
semi-conscious, half awake

They blabber out obscenities
To whatever they see or catch on
Asudden exult and then get tense
They shout, they cry, they moan

The hall door opens
Two innocent eyes stare
"Who are these ?", he asks
Scared by their glare

"They're engineers dear !
They make our nation Progress"
It didn't seem to convince him
The more he tried, the less

The Frightened eyes turn away quickly
Glad in blissful non-understanding
The music shoots up again as they shout
A quaint relief somehow does it bring
As they realize again amidst puke n tears
Its the time to dance, time to sing.

Hmm, now don't think I am being too pessimist or negative, but just that isn't it a reality which we so conveniently and silently accept? At times, I truly wonder Kapil - what is it we are celebrating ? the answer becomes conspicuous as with time the convivial atmosphere starts looking more and more gloomy, the pitiful plight visible even more clearly.

Oops ! It is supposed to be a post full of joy and delectation :D

Well, unwanted things do Exist and unfortunate events do Happen in this world Kapil, but Happiness is a matter of choice! always, forever.... remember that !!

Take care dear
Wish you a wonderful Year Ahead !
All the best

Kapil

Forgotten faces...

2005-12-17T05:05:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil

College breaks often provide me lots of moments to walk alone, to wander at my own whim, making my way through the puzzling roads of my place, wondering at how it seems so near that I used to be one of those children playing in the parks... it may sound silly but I really revel in this process of walking arbitrarily for hours... this time however, it was a bit different as college life is going to be over soon... feels strange to think of how one meets so many admirable people... only to part from them one day. I also tried my stupid hand at poetry, one I posted at poems blog and other one is here....

Forgotten Faces

The sound is similar
and so is this breeze
yet these desparate eyes
search for you without ease
Remembering the days way back
when together we talked for hours
we shared laughters in sunshine
and chatted for long below the stars
As a 'Friend' I did address
unbiased, unaware and true
And with all the sincerity I had
wished a million smiles for you
So close, so inseparable
and so perfect this life did appear
It seems so strange today
when I don't have you near...
'Moving on in Life'
is what the people usually say
Yes we've moved on too
and have chosen different ways...
I talk with someone else now
and enjoy with people new
I consider them friend again
your thoughts are now few
Continuing forward in Life...
I've accumulated a lot of traces
And have slowly understood by now
That it comes in separate phases
But these unworthy eyes do fail me
as I remember a few forgotten faces...

Hmm, not bad... :-)...for in case I need to read better creations, I have some wonderful people (see links @ right) to my credit (Thank You so much God)

So dear, take care...
bbye

Kapil

Neal n Nikki... Hey its just a movie after all !!!

2005-12-12T23:13:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil !

Well this is not exactly a movie as good as to be discussed about here but then I must say it reflects the alteration in the Yashraj outlook towards romance which have seen the days of Silsilay to DDLJ (both of which are silently mocked about in this one). The story line is .. well as Raju Srivastava (GILC fame) would have said - SIMPLE HAI !!!... boy flies for a 'last month before his arranged marriage' stunt to Vancouver, meets the girl, they both fight, become friends (the way it happens typically - apparently unknowingly:D) and then our hero helps the heroine to get back her ex-boyfriend, whom she, displaying her so-called modern attitude, dumps back in revenge, the hero is going to be married finally, to the heroine's best friend cum sister cum cousin n yes the predictable ending finally...

The movie had, however, some very interesting takes on current definitions of modernism n morality ... (courtesy our story / script writers, diro n the productions). To cite a few-

Uday admits his cool girlfriends are not worth marrying and agrees for an arranged marriage, however he also wants to 'enjoy' before he's finally gonna enter the NOT so cool life and dreams of 21 girls in 21 days. ... But hey what if the girl expresses similar desires too...?? will it be ok with our filmmakers who so conveiently imagine the existence of a stereo-typical Indian girl who'll simply marry any rogue who's fascinated (read obsessed) about sleepin with sm1 else before marriage?.....
Tanisha is the director's idea of the girl of today which implies a bar girl who feels hesitated / ashamed to admit that she's still a virgin and later, is glad to have her first night.... now there - wasnt it in ddlj that SRK had to send 10 complete minutes to explain it to Kajol that she didnt do anything silly after coniac.. wake up Kapil - that was 10 yrs ago... rules have changed as per our revered director
In the opinion of the story writer, it is allowed for Uday to play strip-poker how-ever he gets into his saviour of Indian morals mode when Tanisha wants to do the same... (Thank God there was no fightin in this scene).... Well sir, why this hypocrisy? you are still confused as to what's correct and what's not. Now two wrongs don't make a right but then it is what I believe is going to be the future ... (unfortunately)
The actual would- be bride of Uday is really sweet :D and has only one Song to her credit... the routine Punjabi marriage song in which hero shakes his legs in either suit or the sherwani etc and finally givin way to the obvious Happy ending.... Ahem, The traditional bride is not the pick but I still wonder why not?? .. any how good for her :D

Well well dear Kapil, it's Just another movie so take a chill-pill n relax :). Our iconic filmstars may revel in behaving on-screen the way the want, however when their own scenes are on air through mms, their anguish is more than visible. They dont say us to follow things for they themselves support multiple standards. Enjoy in the movie whatever you like, and ignore the rest... :-)

The title song is ok albeit. I am the neal, I am the man, Rockstar......, Superstar.......... !

Take care

bbye

Kapil

LC @ 7 am !!!

2005-11-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil

Ahem, the title of this post is not as trivial for me as it seems coz akin to the followers of IT logic, I almost always had either a night out till 5-5.30, or woke up at close to 8 for the whole of 7th sem :D. Hence, today, as I had the privilege of calmly observing the beauty of a rising sun through my window for the first time in past 4-5 months, I find it worth to write it here :)

It so happened that after bidding adieu to many of my frenz who were going to give their CAT examination (more than 20 for our branch of 45!), I was working over my C program for BTP which involved some work in graphs and graphics. After 2 hours of struggle with cold, slumber and errors, my small mind was finally able to make the code behave as per my wish ... phew ! Then, avoiding any urge to sleep (ah it is easy if you choose to have only a thin sheet instead of a quilt), I felt like writing sth, which unfortunately, resulted in 3 un-successful attempts of poetry and articles and made me feel very low and murky.

However, it was soon 6 am and wow ! I saw a sunrise after so many days. The darkness through my window converted to twilight and sunrays waded their way to my room. At Limbdi corner, it was a delightful display of wildlife. I am far from being an ornithologist, but the sight of 30-35 birds chirping and hopping at the shed was truly a treat to eyes. Whats more ! I go and sit there alone, and the restless creatures are unmoved, unaffected so that the sparrows and mynahs (black neck, yellow beak- what do we call her?) continue their flutterings and random activities around me. The tree near the shed was also awakened to life by two agile squirrels who as if supplemented the presence of birds on it. The trees were all full of melody and to have tea in such environment- It is simply fantastic ! (Ah I explained it is something very new to me in this sem). Then I wondered at the other forms of life which greeted this beautiful winter morning with respect. The apparently lethargic street dogs aren't that lazy, they all shivered their bodies and bowed to the arrival of sun, which added a lustrous shine to the gradually disappearing fog. Then there were so many other birds... (I just dont know their names except crows :D ), who hailed the new day with loud yellings and circular movements. The whole setup reminded me of Green Book... a wonderful Birthday present by Anki and Shubhra (I dont want to use insufficient words here). It consists of lots of small n sweet stories on flora and fauna - from a nature lover's point of view.

Now enough is enough Kapil ! If so many creatures, and humans can wake up early in the morning, can't you try?... ummm :D... but ofcourse I didn't wake up even today... it was a night out after all... well now that I've observed it once, I'd love to enjoy it again.. but for now.... sleeping time :D... Good Night !

Take care

Kapil

Seven Things.. :)

2005-11-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil

The credit to this unique post goes to Anki, who tagged me for it :). The first question was the toughest ! Here it goes -

One more thing... The numbers do NOT imply any preference order

Seven things you want to do before you die:

1. Have a ride in a shikara... in peace... (did I say alone? :D)
2. Teach as a prof. in a univ. (I wish it were possible)
3.Visit a rich wildlife sanctuary..(pending so far...)
4. Try F1 ...
5. Have a Dinner with Bill gates, SRK n Aishwarya Rai
6. Become rich to my satisfaction (yups!)
7. Control my respnse to any and every situation (rt now I am pretty impulsive)

Seven Things You can do:

1. Generate passion for Anything n Everything if I want/need to !
2. Have more than 10 cups of tea a day (I havent tried for max limit)
3. Sleep while sitting in back seat of a bike going @ more than 70kmph (ask Rajat)
4. Read a poem, admire a painting, watch a movie and then articulate my feelings as elaborately as possible in words ... :)
5. chit-chat with friends non-stop (any time, any where ofcourse)
6. Crack KJs (Kaps-Jokes... ask my esteemed frenz for it ) :D
7. Spend more than 48 hrs 'continuously' in same dress (shoes included).. (ahem, umm the max limit is again awaited :D)

Seven things you say most:

1. Hi ! (believe me it is much more than the necessary)
2. Haan ji !
3. Most probably (the most ambiguous ans. :D )
4. Obviously
5. I believe...
6. Frankly/ Sincerely speakin' (but hey I mean it sachchi :)..)
7. Well...

Seven things you can't do:

1. Keep my room ordered or clean
2. Watch more than 1 horror movie in a fortnight(un-scientific stuff, cant bear it :D)
3. Wake up early in morning for academics (night-outs are welcome)
4. Have any unworthy talk without repenting for it before sleeping
5. Convey my gratitude / regrets appropriately when reqd. (I believe)
6. Enjoy when I know things have gone unfair (well they rarely go albeit)
7. Cheat

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. Truthfulness (no hypocrisy, fake delicacy)
2. Innocence
3. Intelligence
4. Smile, gaiety
5. Modesty
6. Eyes
7. Creativity

Seven celebrity crushes:

1. Aishwarya Rai
2. Sonali Bendre (used to be)
3. Alizee
... Umm thats it for now.... :)

Well agreeing with Anki, all these too are true but not rigid.. n may be different the next time I meet you :)
The tag list goes here -

Seven people you want to tag:

1. Raj
2. Aryan
3. Vibs
4. Mona
5. Nand
6. Sush.. (got late dear)
.... Couldnt find more... :)

And right now... prep for your Lab exam !

Bye

Kapil

Great Expectations

2005-10-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

This is a post completely devoted to the fantastic Classic "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It is not a review ofcourse for I am not a frequent or voracious reader with a profound knowledge or experience in literature. It is just that it is an absolutely marvellous piece consisting of so many subtle thoughts and fine treatment of human emotions and personality that I believe you would always either need to or love to remember.

A first person narrative of a poor boy Pip, whose feelings and emotions are explored and elucidated in an elegant manner, as to how they undergo influences, and how someone full of human flaws like him finally realises the meaning of true happiness and emerges as an appreciable character.These are the few extracts of what struck me the most-

"pondering, as I went along, on all I had seen, and deeply revolving that I was a common labouring boy; that my hands were coarse; that my boots were thick; that I was much more ignorant than I had considered myself last night;"

A simple and appropriate description of how a poor boy whose contentment in his low-profile existence has been disturbed for he has been exposed once to a life much more rich, much more tempting and much more better (as per him). How his perception and judgement of various realities of his life undergo changes that what he used to revel in previously, now makes him feel low, common and disgraceful. Aptly represented in -

"think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day"

" It is not possible to know how far the influence of any amiable honest-hearted duty going man flies out of the world, but it is very possible to know how it has touched one's self in going by, and I know right well that any good that intermixed itself with my apprenticeship came of plain contended Joe, and not of restless aspiring discontended me."

How truly does the plain fact is observed through the words of Pip, for howsoever contemptible he was feeling with his plain ordinary life, the presence of a kind blissful soul made him think and act in a worthier manner that he never thought of escaping from his present conditions.

"Do you want to be a gentleman to spite her or to gain her over?"
"I don't know"
"Because, if it is to spite her, I should think -that might be better and more independently done by caring nothing for her words. And if it is to gain her over, I should think - she was not worth gaining over."

A wonderful answer to so many incidents of our lives. Pip is greatly perturbed over the fact that his being not a gentleman makes the beautiful, rich, elegant Estella treat him shabbily and that he must yearn to be one. The thoughtful Biddy then tries to soothe the turmoil inside his mind. Isn't it so straight and sensible Kapil? why fret over what must be ignored and is worthless despite its apparent temptation. It is simple, yet not what we follow usually, and neither does Pip.

"Throughout life our worst weaknesses and meannesses are usually committed for the sake of the people whom we most despise"

Pip, who has been bestowed with fortunes and is away from his old pals now, admits that he is not happy to meet Joe again, for now he has become a part of the society which is much more sophisticated and that he would feel ashamed to recognise Joe as an acquaintance in front of people like Bentley Drummle for whom he can't afford to give a chance of making himself low in their eyes. Can you see it ? this very feeling when those who love us so much, suddenly aren't exactly required in some situations. At this point, I even started hating Pip but then I also realised the nature of this human flaw and how one should ALWAYS endeavor to avoid it.

"You should know, I am what you have made me. Take all the praise, take all the blame; take all the success, take all the failure; in short take me"

Estella, has grown up as a beauteous but heartless creature, following the teachings of Miss Havisham, so as to take her revenge with men. However, Miss Havisham faces a setback when Estella has the same coldness for her too. It happens often Kapil, that we treat people with different attitudes- very unexpecting and humble initially but then as we make them habituated of it, we start expecting- isn't it obviously inappropriate - remember it.

The plot further dramatically explores the various aspects of Pip's life, as he grows up, and as the identity of his hitherto unknown benefactor, a convict is revealed to him. He is not only surprised as he realises it is not Miss Havisham but also rues his repugnant company instead of having even slightest sense of gratitude. His behaviour is simply inexplicable and inexcusable. However, as Pip discovers the innocent past of the convict and how he was framed for no fault, he correctly recognises and responds to his duties and makes his best efforts to save the convict. Finally Pip separates from him with a feeling of thankfulness and respect.

The Love life of Pip experiences a catastrophy as Estella, his beloved is going to marry Bentley Drummle. Icy Estella has got no feelings or emotions and says -
"You will get me out of your thougts in a week"
"Out of my thoughts!
You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since-on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, inthe light, in the darknes, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and evreywhere, and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!"
Wonderful lines :D aren't they !

As the chapter of convict is closed and Pip is now left with no fortunes, but a knowledge which can enable him to carve out his own niche in this world, Pip decides to go and marry Biddy, his childhood pal whom he had forgotten. He is full of remorse for his demeanor, however he's all the more happy too for now he has realised the purpose of his life. With great ecstasy and anxiety, he reaches his old house to meet Joe and Biddy and founds them standing arm in arm. She embraces Pip almost as she sees him and they weep and talk-

"But, dear Biddy, how smart you are!"
"Yes, dear Pip"
"And Joe, how smart you are!"
"Yes, dear old Pip, old chap."
I looked at both of them from one to another, and then-
"It's my wedding day," cried Biddy, in a burst of happiness, "and I am married to Joe"

Dramatic, yet somewhat touching twist.

After 11 more years of a lonely, busy Life, our solitary protagonist Pip finally finds his first Love Estella, in the same place where he first met her, though not as beautiful, yet much more sensitive, and they, as friends, walk together away to provide reader with a satisfactory (infact very appropriate) ending.

Hmmm, so try to remember these little wonderful lessons... we are all but humans and to apathy or ignorance, arrogance or rudeness, we all feel the same... realise and appreciate the significance of what you have... and recognise how you actually want your life to be... for it is nothing but what you choose is what you live.
Wonderful novel dear ! Once again, well read !

Ofcourse, right now- prep. for sessionals :D

Take care !
bbye

Kapil

Hello Life !

2005-10-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

Hi Kaps :)

Don't know what to write... :D
Fine n lovely day isn't it...admiring the Beauty All Around :)
Remembering those.. who matter.. and whom you wish to matter :D..
Its all but a bliss.. eternal bliss :)

Enjoy !!!!

bbye
Kapil

The Plot

2005-09-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

I was extremely happy the day Raj got his second job ! :) ... in "EValueserve" (4+ pa)

Now I have started appreciating (I always believed in it) the conspicuous truth in the statement - Whatever Happens... Happens for the good ! It may be interpreted to say (for the believers) .. That God, The almighty has thought of something appropriate for us, as per our acts (ah action is supreme), our desires and deservingness, he has a matchless, exclusive design for our lives.

Don't you see it Kapil ! What else will you say about your fractured hand last year when you were physically forbidden from a training in the concern of your choice. How frustrating and sorrowful was that ! However, it was my convenient stay at my home in which I could get ample time to prepare n practice what I like the most - programming. And the firm which came for the first time in our Insti- Morgan Stanley, asked for the same and I could avail the opportunity of my dream job (Thank you God).
Or take the example of Sushil - the guy who preferred EE to CS for branch change, I know he doesn't exactly has a knack of doing C, I could sense how his efforts were being apparently(mind it) getting futile due to cheating going on in campus. The omniscient had a plan for him too, Tata motors ! - excellent HR job, something I believe in which he can always do wonders. Now plz, I firmly say he has other opportunities too, but so far, it has been good going - something most appropriate.(GBU dear)
Mohit and Ramya - two persons who cleared almost every written coz of their sincere efforts (unlike most of others) and admirable knowledge in software side, however, not getting through the 3+ interviews , as destiny would have it - they finally cracked Goldman Sachs ! - NewYork training, gr8 opportunities ahead.(Touch wood)

Just give it a thought, you may say I am ONLY looking at the positive side of the coin, but I would have my arguments too-
1)The day I got my hand fractured, I couldn't see its positive side - so it is not that everything undesired right now is only unfortunate for you, it may have some long term cause for your better. Just wait and have faith.
2)I agree it might be interpreted as kind of 'forcing' oneself to see only positive side - BUT the point is anyhow whats the use of pondering or rueing or fretting over the negative side?? why worry if you can't do anything fruitful ? and If you can, then do that instead of worrying !!
Easily said than done - you may say - I agree, but can't we try? can't I endeavor to constantly remind myself about the beauty of phenomenon called life - that it will have something worthwhile for me in store always.I believe I can ! and I know I will !!

Hmm, so thats up for now Kapil - all I say, is what I 'think' that I believe into,however, being human, its not what I may always 'follow', but only what I whole heartedly wish to.

So all the best dear

bbye

Kapil

P.S. Oye Raj ! If you are reading this- don't get complacent- prepare well for GRE, what we get is to be considered best as per what we do, so the action is must :)

Congrats !!!!!

2005-08-10T04:08:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Congratulations for your Second Job - INDUSLOGIC !!!

Hmmm .. feels fantastic... :-).... :D....

After a random looking selection procedure for written and a tough interview round in which I had to convince them tht you are NOT goin' to leave their company... it was a great relief (and of-course a surprise !!!) to be among the ONLY 6 candidates selected from Insti. The company profile (as per site n ppt) may nt be too impressive (a looooong and overly stress on the facilities of food fun n medication rather than type of work etc.)... but then I know that people do work there .. and so am I going to... :-)

Now I don't say it is tooo big a feat, still individually speakin' .. it matters a LOT to me !!!!! And that I was able to sustain my cravin' for it after my first job - all coz of blessings of wonderful people I have in my life ... May God Bless Them all .. always!!! For I don't know when I had done this much good .... to be worthy of this much .... Thanks is a highly In-sufficient / In- appropriate word .. but then feelings may not always find words ...

One last thing here Kapil (a bit off-track frm above) - You quite clearly remember the sin you are guilty of ... It has been a bad experience - for I lost temper and it was inexcusably un-worthy ... I know the person concerned doesn't mind ... but then it shakes my belief over myself ... lets wish that it doesn't happen again (but trust me - the sitautions were equally unfortunate - no its NOT a justification - but a plea .. tht believe me it really was unfortunate fr me too)

Chalo tc

Now lookin for the dreams....
"Never leave the quest ...
Always strive fr the best !!!!"

All the best

byeeeeeeeeee

Kapil

Hmmm Got One !!!!! :D

2005-08-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Congratulations !
After lots of confusion, ambiguity n apprehension .... Finally you got a Job .. in FLEXTRONICS SOFTWARE SYSTEMS (FSS) ...
Feels Gr8 ! Wonderful ! Fantastic ! Absolutely Delightful !!! ...

It's not only a feeling of Success but contentment too for your principles din't fail you (to crack a KJ rt now - teachers give us marks .. so how can "principles" fail us ?? :D )... albeit the result wasn't even for all ! For the phenomenon called 'cheating' was still responsible for hindering some of my very good friends from getting selected. And it is then that may be I realised that look Kapil - 'You may not feel comfortable with the whole concept, but if others indulge in un-worthy acts, then it is your right to counter them...." (counter How ? is still debatable) ... hence when I saw it again today (for IBM), I didn't exactly have a feeling of abhorrence (Infact I myself was a part of it). I dunno, may be I am wrong, but still, so far my faith has paid me.. and I know I am not gonna lose it ! As far as others are concerned, if they really feel happy with what they do, I don't care much....

Hmmm, Now what ? -
"Rest You May But Dare You Stop !!!!!"
... become the guiding lines .. (Thanks to you Anki ! )
So Kaps, You know ... what you need to attain... Its just the effort - don't be complacent / lazy .... For it is worth you and you are worth it !

All the best dear !!!!!!

God Bless You

Kapil

Ambivalence

2005-07-30T02:46:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

The campus starts today… with TCS ! Now comes the time when we all fourth yearites are going to become financially independent. That all the amount of knowledge, time money that has been given to us as an input hitherto – we are now capable of utilizing that as a skill which makes profit for a concern, and will fetch us currency. Doesn’t it sound exciting and fascinating! Our worth as a human will now be recognized by the industry and society in monetary terms so that we’ll be contributing to them in a productive manner.

Some times, it feels pretty strange to think who we actually are? We all come here after clearing JEE … the best engineering entrance examination of the country. And we discover that what gets us grades is cramming of the facts (while understanding them gives us confidence – a more significant thing, but under-rated). Most of us copy down the stupid looking, lengthy, seemingly useless assignments; so that while it takes 2 days for a few to complete, it takes only two hours for the rest. We cheat in the examinations, to pass, or to get a rank… (but cheat whom ? we all know). Hence, the three years are passed with a superficial knowledge of the ‘engineering discipline’ UNLESS the situations were propitious enough that our passion was aroused for particular subject(s), either due to personal penchant or that the teacher concerned was able to generate a fervor for it. And finally there are campus placements.

Surprisingly, the scenario doesn’t change … the cheating continues – YESS ! It had been bitter for me, it is, even now. It doesn’t actually depend only on how much you could comprehend (in ur studies), or prepare (for campus), or acquaint (in last 3 yrs); but also on how quickly you ADAPT (in case of a beginner) to the routine which has penetrated deep down the psyche of most of us. A tendency to put aside the scruples of conscience and DO what gets you the maximum apparent benefit. I had always been more than satisfied with myself, coz I knew that I am happy to admit what I am (in academic terms), and won’t even try to deceive for that doesn’t give me mental peace. The situation however, gets into absolutist terms here. It’s going to be once and for ever! For a single mind may not compete against TWO. So that it is not only the unworthy desire to obtain what we deserve not, but also an apprehension of – If You don’t, Others will! – Which serves as a driving force for many, there by multiplying the number of those who do.

I used to wonder till last year, how any one can do such a thing for a career. For if one succumbs to the excuse of helplessness, it may be partially acceptable, but to get something beyond your reach, only by dishonesty, so that you know that EVERY single penny you are going to earn is ONLY because you fraudulently took some others’ place. That had it NOT been your friends to help you there, you might not be ENJOYING all the comforts you are getting. How???? Why????? It seems so appalling, so awfully inexcusable that one is happy to choose such a life!!! The situation is right in front of me. The conditions are now imposing the same question, which had been posed to all other seniors, Will You? … … it’s very easy to say I don’t want to… equally convenient is for an impartial person to assert things / sayings / preaching corresponding to ‘mental toughness’ and ‘firmness of thought’. But to take a decision – when you know exactly HOW MUCH does it mean to you … no GRE, no CAT, no GATE … just job … you know what is Expected of you – and how significant it can be for the course of action your life will take thereafter… it’s not easy Kapil, Its just not easy … (i.e. if we see this side of the coin)

On the other hand, if we go by the thought process that had been guiding principle so far in most of the cases, the sunshine somehow pierces through the clouds. I can’t explain it here … but the crux of the matter is that if I realize what I wanna become in life – How I wanna imagine myself to be -say after 5 – 10 – 20 – 40 years….the answer immediately shouts up in a very loud voice ! You know what you are – and you need not change to what you are NOT! It’s a temptation Kapil! I know you’re going to tackle this, I know that it doesn’t bother to you much even if others follow different suit! A blissful contentment will always accompany you – for Life may be random, and happiness may be a matter of choice, but the cherished sense of self-belief, is not what you generate superficially, but gain over a period of time! And that’s what matters to YOU – if it doesn’t to others, you don’t care!!!

Feels great! Isn’t it! For whatever may be the path, the more ambiguous / hesitant you are, the more distant, your destination becomes. From now on, PLEASE … :D (I’ve been repeating it from my past 2 posts) – do prepare for the campus and DON’T let your mind wander in desultory broodings!!! :D

All the best

Kapil

Smile of Life.. :-)

2005-07-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil ! :-)

Well past is an integral part... but sometimes, the evanescent present moment - all so wonderful and cherishable ... not only because of such an admirable company of dearest friends - but also due to a simple and sweet realization that there are some, who do care... yes they do... and so do you - is what makes us acknowledge the blatancy of the fact that with passage of time, it is also going to be a part of past and surprisingly and thankfully enough - it is not melancholy which besieges you currently but an ardent and passionate desire to live upto the fullest - each and every second of the time you have !

You truly ponder over it and ask - How come I am sooo Lucky to have such people around ... God really has been exceptionally good to me... a heartfelt genuine smile - enthusing the desire to give in your level best, without bothering 'much' about the result - for you know you 'may' not get the greatest - but whatever you'll get (out of your sincere efforts - i.e. if you put in) - is certainly going to be the BEST for You :-)

It's one of those times when bliss blends with determination ... when you know you got to do something and yet it is not panic but a passion - a zeal to do it as proficiently as possible - is what encompasses your psychological domain. (Touch wood n Thank God)

All the best dear !
Take care...

Kapil

P.S. These are the 4 lines from Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind… they sound sweet, but would I be able to appreciate them in a holistic manner? I hope I could quote them correctly atleast -

“How Happy is the brainless vessels lot
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each pair accepted – each wish resigned”

Yaadein...

2005-07-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil

Nice to reach IT after a period of two whole months, spent almost un-eventfully in terms of journey or meetings friends in person – yet they did provide me ‘some’ of the rare and MOST cherished moments in my life…thanks (no - it will be a gross understatement) to…:-)…and I even went to school after two years…a place where I’ve studied for 13 years…wonderful !

Umm, Ahem well if this post is read by anyone who’s NOT been ‘verry close’ in my last two years of school, I humbly advise you to continue reading further only at your own risk for this is neither any belated movie review of ‘Yaadein’, nor related to summer hols or anything which you can comprehend in ‘correct’ terms…it is just an effort to vent out myself here for this is MY blog (I sincerely regret the apparent arrogance)

Hmm, so to continue dear Kapil, I reached here in IT today morning – all filled with the over-whelming memories of school – the teachers – supervisor Alka Ma’m, My class teacher Rohini ma’m – infact she’s resigned recently and I was so lucky to find her there still coz of some reason. The play grounds, corridors, class rooms…and the students – my friends… friends…..were they really?...and sisters ….where are they now?????... seemed so strange – the place which filled my heart with utmost delight at one time …looked so different… and here I was in IT – remembering all this, more so coz of the autumn which reminded me of my own…

I cleaned the room, finished all unpacking, had lunch n dinner n then… felt an urge to have a look over my dearest copy which was a part of my existence in those days…I had preserved it all since then… the poems of Neha – all of them…copied from her diary…My poems…all devoted to them……my letters…seems so stupid on my part now…to trouble God with such trivial things…those wishes…and then my eyes fell on those cards…of every occasion… deepavali – new yr – and ofcourse B’day… how proud I used to feel with my cherished treasure…the occasions come again…but its no one now…where are you ??? where are You Aruna? … you wrote dearest Kapil Bhaiyya on those cards…and your adorable gift… your words… sis forever…was that just a line???..... Shivani ? …you forgot 16-10 ?...no phone? ...No letter ? ...no contact? Nothing…..three years… three years here in IT and when I look back for what I have… is only books… copies ….class notes… academics ... academics… academics…

ah ofcourse now I do have some... the T9…and a wonderful pearl… but does that mean I can forget you ? … cant it be like before… and I saw the slam book… filled by my teachers and fellow students in last 3 monce of school…and I turned to the pages filled by you Neha…the words just don’t fit any more…neither to you…nor to me…is it that we have changed… or the life itself has become so merciless and void of feelings…?

I know Kapil… I know it… it is just like that… neither can I re-live those moments…nor would I ever meet them again…and infact when I do have so admirably worthy people around me…shouldn’t I be all full of smile and cheer ? I know…I should be like that… and I will be.. for its just that today none of them turned up in college that I wrote this on Word…its just that I needed to say it all...to myself…and I am free to do that on my own blog atleast…

Take care…
From now on… concentrate on studies n campus…ok! :D
God Bless You

Kapil

P.S. – The due credit to my friends is not forgotten / undervalued… but only that this post was on something else … I hope you understand dear…

Life's an Icecream...

2005-07-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Hmmm, so lemme complete the line from the movie BLACK... -
"Life's an icecream dear ! Enjoy it before it melts..!"

Infact I think why only Icecream.. to say It is a chocolate (A bar1 !) would be equally rewarding..for I am enjoying one right now too.. as I write this...:-)

Now, coming to the purpose of it- Life is an Icecream...I believe it does imply that every thing we've got in life... (enlist tht yourselves - as per your likin n preference).. are meant NOT ever to be worried of, rather enjoyed... ah now I am not at all in a the slightest endeavor to support hedonism..or lavish n careless livin'... rather.. even while recognisin your duties n priorities... suppose we "treat" them NOT as any sort of onus.. but a privilege.. we are entitled to...wont that be nice ... hmmm sounds a bit too impractical does it? well lemme try to explore a bit -

Suppose I got to study, or take care of campus placements...should it be percieved as something which would make me feel sad or low ??? NO! there is a difference b.w realising the significance of the situation and realising it to be a tension.. kool dear Kapil.. dont you worry... :-)...Or ok suppose sm1 else has any probs at home/related to health... I will again like to humbly point out and visualise the subtle difference between the two paradigms... taking things to be urgent,serious... and takin them to be troublesome and cause of melancholy....

For isnt it certain that WHATEVER may happen .. first of all it will be always for your ultimate good (As per God's Theory:-).... secondly, Life wont stop for you so its in your complete favor that you also NEVER get too apprehensive (I say too coz I do mean the magnitude and its consequence which transcends the boundaries of happiness or even sanity)...or tensed....rather.. if thats what's your mood...relax.. (or should I say try to be..:-).. for I can DEFINITELY bet tht You'll encounter One day in your life when you'll be sitting in a thoughtful mood and pondering over the "apparent" (mind you -apparent) Insignificance of the matters which have beleagured your mind and are there to beset you currently...:-)

So dear! Its the time to simply Enjoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy whatEVER there is for you ... To its fullest... for remember Time IS Unidirectional !

Now, as my bar-one is finished.. move out of this cafe.. relish the fresh air... and Hey just give in your BEST possible fr what needs your immediate attention !

All the Best Dear
God Bless You..
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kapil

My Papa's the Best :-)

2005-06-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Now today's Fathers' Day and with such convenient access to net, I just won't miss this excellent opportunity to say "Happy Fathers' Day" to dearest Papa ji !.

For parents are God's Gift, n I've been truly luckier in finding my Friend, Philosopher, Guide :-) in my caring n affectionate Dad! For its not only his Love and consideration for me and family.. but his whole-some worthiness as a sincere, dedicated n honest human (to say the least) makes me respect him all the more.

Dear Papa ! I know I am not upto your expectations at times (infact mostly :D).. but all I can say is ... I Love You :-)

Now Kapil I agree I once said tht parents are above any parameters ... hence no comments this time.. and what I've said above.. is not all ... but a miniscule token of thanks ..... to the best Papa in the world !

Take care

Bye
Kapil

Mr. No 2

2005-06-16T03:23:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil!

Now don’t be bemused with the title of this post. Actually I saw the movie ‘D’ few days back which is nothing more than a 2005 Hindi remake of Satya with marginal alerations. But while enjoying this repetition, one thing that immediately struck to my mind was the role of ‘chunky pandey’ – the side hero. That’s when I started to realize this interesting, strange, significant and to some extent, an intricate part of the human personality (which is a complex entity in itself)… the part which may be named as Mr. No. 2! (I admit the gender bias but so far I’ve witnessed only male examples – so NO offense meant – truly)

We all live life from our own point of view, but in every memorable event, incident, story, saga or tale … apart from the lead character, one person is there, which silently creeps into our subconscious minds. For he doesn’t try to do any of the quotable acts, he doesn’t take credit for managing it all, he stands as an epitome of infinite loyalty, a paradigm of selfless dedication. You’ve seen him in movies – the guy who often sacrifices his life – all for the hero. Ever wondered why he does so – and why does the narrator (director/story writer) is NOT too sad to lose him – sometimes for the girl, sometimes for villain - and all he thinks about/ cares for - is the hero?

You know what! I’ve experienced somewhat similar attitude in IT also, for in my first yr. technical fest – Mr. Ravi Jakhar was the convener, but the guy who worked to make it all possible, who managed everything right from recruiting volunteers to making it all fabulous – was none other than our own Vasu Bhaiyya (Mr. Vasudev Singh). Now I don’t wanna compare / weigh their roles / input against each other but all I want to stress is the fact that at times history so conveniently forgets the endeavors of such men. There are several instances – Mr. Rahul Rai for Sancheti bhaiyya’s Technex, or for that matter, Deepak Bhaiyya and Anirban bhaiyya for Sripati Sah !

It’s all so visible, now imagine how these people behave in their individual lives – I mean they are obviously the protagonists in the story of their OWN life, and Mr. No2 is only one facet of their character. Then why does every famous legend comprises of such Mr. No 2s who are supposed to NOT do anything too big or boastful, but only give their all – just for the leading man. We must acknowledge the fictitious nature of such tales. And if these people do exist in real life, then don’t they deserve any credit! Of course they do!

Three cheers to all such people who are admirable in their own respect!

Remember, he could be the one listening to all your worries, while you’ve never cared to ask his problems, he has been there for you without any reason or expectation, just because he likes you as a human! Don’t ever forget his significance in your life – for in his personal one – he deserves the same from You!
Umm – all written above applies to she/her also; just it looks a bit odd to use the slashes every time :-)

Take care dear

Bye

kapil

Messed Up illusions

2005-06-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott

Hi Kapil !

Hmm this is a post which was long due.. for till how much time can you ignore the outright blatancy of this fact...I think its better to make it clear here now... for this is something very strangely amazing ... for its uniqueness (Its first time for me in my life that I am observing it).

Let us believe for the moment that our complex mind is conveniently divided into atleast two parts - Mr. Re (real) - which stores and acknowledges the truth (now dont start off with a blabber you see in Matrix - what is real? how you define real? and blah blah) and Mr. Im (imaginary) - which generates and embellishes our creativity, innovations .. and provides space for dreams, illusions .. or even hallucinations... :D

(seems boring so far? :-) ..go on...) - Right from teenage.. I have been applying the principal that if you ask Mr. Im to keep something for too long.. it finally belongs to Mr. Re ! for example.. when I first met my school sister...I acted as if i don't know abusive language.. and when i liked that thing (not using abuses) ...I imagined myself to be a guy away of these rubbish...and guess what ???..within 1 year.. I was free talking among my friends sans any wrong word.. and truly.. my identity (Mr.Re i.e.) now contained that very trait only...thereby.. I developed this habit of imagining or percieving myself as the kinda person I want to be.. and continued to progress towards it successfully...

But the situation this time is a bit complicated... for me... its this stupid(is it?) yearning.. for searching someone whom I should listen to.. whom I should care about...(sounds quixotic?).. don't know why?.. whether to satisfy my ego... or is it my nature.. or whatever...that made me extrapolate any slight feelings .. and look into others' minds... trying to know what they think...and then came this question on tour... about the crush...I told them the truth, pure and un-exaggarated.But right from that day, I don't know why/ how Mr. Im got hold of the fact that I yearn for her even today. That I do remember the small talk with her..and Gosh !.. I found her on Orkut ! .. well ofcourse Mr. Im told me to write a message (decent only - truly)..but no - she did not reply - neither did she add me (most probably she'd forgotten). Mr. Im however continued his process of creating the hypothetical meet we had.. the illusionary beaty of hers.. which still fascinates me... and I don't know how or why... (truly speaking - it was NOT in my control) but I started believing that I do still remember her... and madly want to be her friend (to say the least). I wrote the poem too... all inspired by these feelings (all the work of Mr. Im) and continued to strengthen that feeling everyday. I was actually living those moments... the rosy dreams of future prepared by Mr. Im. I was so happy :-).

Then came the realities ...Mr. Re.. the inevitable part.. had to have his say. I, in my futile attempts.. got my scraps deleted by her, got rejected from 1 of her friends (when I added him as friend).. and soon Mr. Re informed that I can actually meet her / see her .. for she's here.. near my place in these holidays. I was all confused. Mr. Re informed the magnitude of the relation we do share (or the infinitesimal smallness of it) as well as the veracity about my feelings for her... which were far apart from the wonderful fancies of Mr. Im. I was all confused .... whats happening to me ???? who I am actually ? what do I want ? what do I actually feel about her ??? who's she for me ? an acquaintance.. or the girl for whom I'd write long dreamy ode...??? I am still confused.

You may say with a dismal look on your face that .. oh come-on kapil just admit you faked it all .. BUT i will say NO ! Its not like that.. how can I write / think so much about her .. If it was all a fake.. It was NOT in control of my senses... a delusion ...or sometimes even a hallucination.. which took me in a sweet world of romance.. with her.. and now .. I feel all deserted.. after encountering Mr. Re.

I am able to write all this for I have got hold of my sense to some extent.. but you all.. hey I am SOrry If i hurt you.. but TRUST me.. I have faced nothing better. I still don't know what will I do next.. just forget her.. or continue.. for it is not easy to get rid of Mr. Im (ya you are definitely correct in Laughing at me - mocking at me - ridiculing or jeering - if you want Now .. Its perfectly alright.. but Its TRUE that I cant help it)

Do you think all what I wrote above is purely a rubbish piece of fiction ? or a bad effect of watching too many movies ?...I believe it's NOT so..I believe this what has happened to me..and I thought I owed (as a friend) to you all who had been all so amiable towards me regarding the whole matter.As for those who don't know about it.. its better that they don't.

God Bless You Dear

Take care

Kapil

Forgotten moments

2005-06-04T05:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Growing up is a strange phenomenon.. and what is even stranger is the kind of feelings you have when you are away from the place where you've spent first 18 years of life..this post could well have been named as DTML(Down the memory lane) too. but that is a cliche I dont wanna use for the umpteenth time...

Now to start...yesterday I got sometime to enjoy an evening stroll as the hot sun seemed to be in a somewhat happier mood :D..thereby playing with the clouds..and I chose random paths to have a deeper look at the place where I'd grown up..SECTOR -3.. the acquainted streets.. where I observe small children.. playing cricket.. or baddie.. seems all so familiar.. can I see myself there ? I asked.. YESS ! replied the loud yelling of those kids... Ah now I come to the parks.. the best place to spend an evening in this place...I see a cute little girl toying with the hose pipe.. Primary school boys and girls playing Eye-Spies and catch-n-catch... and here I am ! .. shouted my mind.. there.. amidst that vibrant, resplendent group.. or there!..as a young teenager...sitting at the bench.. involved in a deep "important" chat with my best friend...or may be there! as a sweet child quarelling with his buddies at see-saw...

It was ALL so refreshing.. like Meeting One-self again.. enjoying the evening watching one self grow up.. through various phases of life.. to become a college student... this is my last year and the campus preperations..studies are so requiring..cant imagine the case when I'll be at job.. Oh God ! will I ever be able to live those moments again..? :-)... I hope so ...

Well Kaps.. thanks a lot you gave the much needed time to your blog (i.e. yourself).. there are so many other things I'd LOVE to write about.. please keep posting :D

Take care

Byeee

Kapil

Admiring Life !

2005-05-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil

Well this post is not about admiring my own life..or life of someone else (all you notty 1s.. NOT nowww:D).. but admiring 'life' iself

You know what.. the day I joined this trainin at HAVELL'S..I wasn't much happy.. kept on rueing for the fact that I "could" have got somewhere much better than this.had it not been for that SIlly mistake..causing that fracture..
and when from the yahoo group..I acquainted myself with reviews..it wasn't easy to placate oneself.. for whatever may be the case.. this trainin was NOT going to give me much technical knowledge - neither money - nor any software work..simple and pure observation work..

BUT.as days passed..and I got to know the workers that work there..who toil day and night hard..for there is some1 at there home..for whom they MUST earn.. when I realised the feelings of the officers there..who keep on standing all day.. and often till night.. to get things done.. they know the salary they are getting isn't sufficient..when i suddenly started to think about everyone I met.. everyday.. right from the auto-rickshaw man.. to other passengers.. the security guards.. I gradually started realising that THEY ARE DOING THEIR JOBS..

and whats more..they are NOT sad or dejected.. they DO share laughters.. not allow melancholy to enter their lives..for the life is much much sacred then PETTY STUFF...its NOT to be wasted.. any minute.. any second of it is NOT to be spoiled in stupid despondency ........
................................

That's when my doubts.. my queries started to disappear.. slowly i smiled.. from heart.. :)... now I do go there.. I do enJOY whatever I've to do.. if I get a break.. I do realise its value... I tend to Thank GOD for the fact that I have been lucky enough to get decent education so far..
and from past 10-12 days.. I've been relishing my every moment there.. (Touch Wood).. for albeit sometimes I tend to criticise it when at home.. but WHEN I'M THERE.. Its again the same smile..(the real ONE)

All the best Kapil !

You'll get what you desire/deserve.. just need to have faith.. and patience.. :)

TC

Bye

Kapil

Happy Hols!

2005-05-11T10:18:00.000-07:00

Hi Kapil !

Finally Nice to get freed from the stupid exams(its always better to call smthing by badnames when its NOT there as compared to when its actually present - though it doesNOT apply for humans!)... n even nicer to know that I'm gonna stay home for next two months(Again - Its better to NOt only admit the inevitable But WELCOME it - It does apply for humans too !)

Well With Comp n Net n "C" to my access ! Its really goin to be a jaunty sojourn at home !Well the only thing I will truly Miss is .."IT".. you just don't know.. It seems that only yesterday you got admission in this Insti ....n slowly ..n gradually.. you tend to get so used to this wonderful place.. the friends .. the never-ending blabber... explorin bhu or enjoyin midnight Tea at lanka....that you take it for granted sometimes...

All this "Nostalgia" actually kicked Off when I was looking at the Phone numbers of seniors stored in my cell.. I realised tht they r gonna b useless now as most of them will be getting newer ones to suit their next place .. of job or higher studies.. n THAT i may NEVER meet any of them again - Can any one forget them - Sripati Shah ! .. Deepak Bhaiyya ! ... YNP bhaiyya !...its futile to list all the names... its just... sooo... strange .. to make oneself realise of this bitter(is it?) fact that we are also gonna LEAVE this insti next yr.. n whats even more true (n even strange 2 me) is that the insti won't stop .. it will go on .. It will bid adieu n concentrate on the present students...its going to be just like that.. .........

Its the stupidity of the mind to take so much time to realise n admit n agree n adjust to the pre-ordained that makes us so uncomfortable... so uneasy to even think of it... I encountered a similar feelin in school in last yr.. n wrote a poem 4 it.. (n infact got it published here in 1st yr !).. but this time.. just dont know.... May be by the time next yr approaches its culmination... I become "understanding" enough.... who knows....

Well Well Well .. Right now.. lets do my duty... try my best.. for a better future....I Know .. I can !

All the best dear!
God Bless you

kapil

Splash !

2005-04-05T02:01:00.000-07:00

Hi kapil !

Well well well !... It was a holi worth remembering...
It all started when the few of us..(myself,sush,sudeep,arpit nand+2nd chem) were chattin' n havin tea at lanka at around 2 in nite, that suddenly sm1 asked arpit abt his blue - MentorG- Tshirt.. n as he started to elucidate the finesse of it- he found a sprinkle of Yellow ! powder spreadin' over it... the sprinkle increased n soon he was ALL yellow ! the attack was unExpected n fascinatin as well... the convenient availability of small packets of different colours near by at cheap rates further aggravated the Fun-triggers which were pulled n it was only a matter of few seconds that all5-6 of us were involved in making each other red n green.

The momentous spark of mischief n fun did not extinguish here but was rather rekindled when nand n sudeep even called some of the friends who were sleeping cosily at tht time in their comfortable rooms by making the excuse of farewell b4 holi (they called people n WITHOUT informing abt the play, asked them 2 plz come n meet at lanka as they were leavin' for home ) - the lie worked perfectly n 4 more students... who woke up at 2:30 in nite after listenin the call, got ready n came 2 lanka at the tea shop ONLY 2 find rest of us (who were hiding near by) - pounce at them in wild yells n throwin lots n lots of color... :D the play continued n now Even "fiercer" plans of "punishing" those who DIDNOT heed 2 the fake phone calls, were made. First target was Saurabh kumar .. who had to withstand the wrath of abt 10-12 students at 1ce at 3 in nite... :D.. the procession continued in morvi n limbdi hostels.

The overnite holi left some of de deepest imprints of joy n excitement ... those which i wont 4get easily...the following day in the evening it was the usual holi again with all its glitz n fun .. it also transcended the constraints of hostel n all of us .. lookin like MEN IN BLACK .. enJoyd a lot at limbdi - corner....

the thrill of celebratin wid frenz at home was subdued coz of a small mistake which caused me a fracture at left elbow at railway station.. the details of which are a "lambi ramkahani" in demselves...and i now have this plaster which will take 4 more weeks ....n by dat time i'll b home !

chalo no probs Kaps take care !

God bless you !

kapil

Emotional blackmail...

2005-03-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

Hi Kapil !

A few dayz before, I was just listening to some fast n arousing Rock songs (linkin' park etc.) - Crawling, In the end, Numb ... u know the kinda songs which are . in some way .. appreciated n approved by me n many of my frenz.. then, as I was in the deep reverie of "gettin' the FEEL" of de song, this thought suddenly propped up .. that hey wait a minute Kaps!

Isn't this song "supposed" to generate the type of feelings which it actually is gradually nourishing - right now in my mind!.. the feelings of a deep rage / anger / frustration that as if the whole cosmos has conspired to beset me.. the particular words - the lyrics which echo so pellucidly in my ears ... -
" I tried so hard! n got so far!..." or
" every step that I take is another mistake to you.."..

you see ! the lyrics somewhere , somehow touch very deep down our consciousness and tend to "MAKE US BELIEVE" that this complete world has been wrong to us ! Or that our diligent endeavors till date have been so brutally ignored by the society ..and hence we derive a sense ... a feel of "FALSE SATISFACTION " that atleast the singer understands, appreciates our view point and hence corresponds to our mental state !

While the TRUTH I could percieve is : that 7 out of 10 times atleast! the original feelings are consequence of a genesis process instigated and initiated by the "song" itself! .. the catchy music n the alluring lyrics - as you would agree that no person in this world would ever deny if we say to him that - Ok Mr. X ! You have been cheated by all, nobody understands you, or that despite so many friends you are alone .. etc.etc.

Trust me Kaps ! BEWARE of such NEGATIVE thoughts !
You are alright ! Your friends are "with" you !
why to , whom to - worry for ! .. just brush any such "superficially created detrimental flow of deep negative emotions feelings and thoughts"

Cheer Up ! This World is a Really Nice Place !
Innocent children ... Flowers .... Birds ... Full Moon ... are all so Lovable !
Be happy .. always .. ! :-)

Take care
kapil

My First Post

2005-03-01T13:17:00.000-08:00

So its my First Post to this Open diary

I am pretty happy coz life is kool, net is fine(touch wud), studiez are k... albeit i must admit tht this sem is really demanding in terms of Labs .. Projects PROJECTS everywhere, and same old "Presentation Fundae" where your actual endeavors are so conveniently overweighed by show-offish things...infact i am quite amused by de fact that even i have started to revel in makin' my self more n more "presentable".. sth which i never approved of .. though only in Labs

In general I believe in
GOD - Omnipotent Entity which generates hope in hearts of every individual
TRUTH - the whole-sole reason of existence for any1 - it includes being truthful to 1 self, no pretence, realizing Character > Impression .. just like Object > Shadow...
PASSION - the spice of life - the saying goes like "what cannot be cured must be endured", but i believe in "what has to be endured MUST be enjoyed instead"
PEOPLE - ya I do believe in frends.. classmates, acquaintances.. I do humbly express my thanks for keeping me so Happy most of de times(but I wonder HOW i am dependent on THEM?:-))

So thts it dear Kaps!
Keep writin'
TC Bye